Ask Mom & Spawn!

Ask Mom & Spawn: “How to Catch A Sperminator”

“I’ve been single for a long time after I dumped my cheating fiancé a few years ago. I think I’m ready to be in a new relationship and share my life with somebody, but I think I’m a little out of practice. I’m a student so I don’t have a ton of free time, but how should I go about putting myself out there? Or can you just send me one of Kate’s matches on bumble? Thanks” – Lizzie

@CrazyJewishMom: Well, first of all, I hope you chopped off your cheating fiancé’s tiny little micropenis and fed it to him for dinner.

@KateESiegel: Yeah, normally I’m not normally one to advocate for castration (or cannibalism), but what a dick!

@CrazyJewishMom: Listen, at least you found out before you married the scumbag. Last thing you need is to be three kids in and find out he’s been shtupping the nanny while your kids watch Barney reruns. But enough with the wallowing. The breakup was a few YEARS ago?? Time to snap out of it, and read the expiration date on your eggs! Assuming you want children.

@KateESiegel: I was actually cheated on in my last relationship, so I can relate. It’s incredibly difficult to trust after finding out someone you trusted was lying. Really makes you question your judgment, but I promise, there are good guys out there!

@CrazyJewishMom: Well, if this ‘good guy’ she’s referring to is Superjew, that’s a joke! Three years and no ring, seems like automatic grounds for ball chopping-off-age to me.

@KateESiegel: Annnnd back to YOUR question…I hate to admit this, but my mom was a big part of getting me back out there after my last relationship. In fact, (as I wrote about in my book) she is responsible for introducing me to my boyfriend. So, if she’s done complaining about him, I’ll let her give you some advice on how to get back out there.

@CrazyJewishMom: Listen Lizzie, you’re in a fabulous position. You’re a student, so you have the perfect excuse to sit in every law and medical school library you can find. Why study in your dorm room when you can study in a sea of ambitious, soon to be successful, sperminating doctors and lawyers? But try to go to good colleges, you don’t need another idiotic hunk of manmeat like your ex. And don’t be shy. Talk to people, introduce yourself, strike up conversations! What’s the worst thing that can happen? A guy isn’t interested? GUESS WHAT, YOU WILL SURVIVE! And for every jerk who isn’t interested, there will be ten mansicles thrilled that you came over to talk to them. And I know you were joking with the bumble, but online dating is an amazing thing. Sign up, and start hunting!

Need advice or have questions for @CrazyJewishMom & Spawn? Submit them via the form below, and we just might answer! And follow @KateESiegel and @CrazyJewishMom on Instagram!

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