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Ask Mom & Spawn: Moving In With My Man…And His Mom?

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“Hi Mom and Kate! I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We know we’ll get married in the future, it’s just a matter of time. He has a full time job, but also cares for his 70 year old mother who doesn’t drive. What are your thoughts on me moving in? It would be practical for other reasons other than financial. I have maintained a great relationship with her, but there’s a huge stigma revolving around the idea of moving in with a guy and his mom. Thoughts?” – Kristen

@CrazyJewishMom: First of all, the “stigma of moving in with a man and his mother”, that’s hogwash. There is nothing wrong with adult children living with their parents. (Do you hear me, Kate?)

@KateESiegel: Okay, calm down, mother. Kristen, re the stigma I actually agree with my mom in this particular case. In the situation you’ve described, I think it speaks to your boyfriend’s character that he’s going above and beyond for his mother and making sacrifices in his own life in order to do it. This isn’t a guy who’s lounging in his mom’s basement and living off her social security checks…he has a job and is choosing to help his mom during this tough time instead of living in a nice place of his own. Frankly, that kind of commitment to a loved one is a good sign and bodes well for how he might treat you and your family in the context of a long term relationship.

@CrazyJewishMom: Spawn, enough. I don’t care if he’s the Dalai Lama, you still need the ring before you move in. WHERE’S THE COMMITMENT? Did he invite you to move in with him to make life easier for him and his mother or to start a future with you? Did he invite you into their home, so he can murder you and sell your organs on the black market more easily? Probably not, but YOU DON’T KNOW UNTIL HE COMMITS TO YOU!!

@KateESiegel: Yeah, I’m not sure how getting engaged would prevent him from going sociopath-ey on Kristen in your total fantasy of a scenario, but whatever.  Kristen, I’ll say this – it sounds like he’s a really good guy (def not a ‘going to steal your organs and dump your body in a swamp’ kind of guy), and I totally get how financial and familial pressure in this situation, could make moving in seem particularly attractive in this case. I do have a question for you though: if you guys are actually at the level of commitment where you’re all in, helping out with care for his mom, sharing in the financial burden, essentially acting like a member of the family, why wouldn’t you get engaged and make that commitment official? At the end of the day, it depends on what you’re comfortable with, and obviously you know far more about the nuances and details than us, but it’s something to think about.

@CrazyJewishMom: I said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times: NO. RING. ON. THE. FINGER. YOU. MUST. NOT. LINGER. You will be giving the milk away for free and taking care of his Mom. Are you nuts? Why aren’t you getting married if he’s willing to have you move in?

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