Is lying about being a virgin a divorceable offense?
“My husband and I are both 26 and have been married for almost 3 years. We dated 4 years before being married. When we first started becoming friends, I told him that I would never marry a guy who wasn’t a virgin and that I was saving myself for marriage. I even refused to go on dates with guys I knew weren’t virgins. Before I started going out with him, I asked him if he was a virgin because his previous girlfriend was known to have slept with more than 100 men (sadly not an exaggeration), even while she was dating him. He reassured me that the reason she cheated on him was because he refused to have sex with her. Needless to say, there were numerous times over the 4 years of dating when it came up, and my husband swore he never had sex. A week after we got married, I had some strange discharge (sorry for the graphics), and I called my gyno and she said it sounded like an STD, but could also just be my body getting used to sex. My gyno didn’t have an appointment available for months, so she just sent antibiotics to my pharmacy and didn’t do any tests. I pretty much forgot the matter, and didn’t think much of it because, after all, my husband said he was a virgin.
Over the next two years our marriage was filled with strife with his family. They did not like me, gossiped about me to community members, friends and family, and they broadcast our problems and private conversations to pretty much everyone in our community. My husband never stood up for me to them, and lied about doing so. I haven’t spoken to his parents in over two years.
To make a long story short, I discovered that he was colluding with his parents in manipulating me into talking with them. He told me he wasn’t talking to them, but then told his mother what to say to me to get me to talk to her. When I discovered this, I was mortified because the entire community knew what he was doing (his mom told everyone and eventually it got back to me), but I was left in the dark for 2 years.
During the same time, a close friend told me that she heard that my husband was not actually a virgin when he married me. In the past when this happened, I would normally shrug it off to gossip. But then I remembered that my gyno had once suspected an STD. I decided to confront him. This time, he admitted that he was sexually active with his ex-girlfriend and had sex with her many times. Some people might find it strange that I think it was important for him to be a virgin, but it’s a religious value that I felt was so important (we both are orthodox Jews). And I think sexual history is something someone should never lie about because of STDs.
His lying about his virginity and the issues with his parents really make me feel as though there is no hope. Not to mention there’s no sexual chemistry.
We went to therapy, and it didn’t really work for me. I feel like I can’t trust him anymore and that what he did was worse than cheating on me. He’s a pathological liar and lies about even something as small as taking out the garbage. But then again, we’re married. We made a commitment. People say the key to a marriage is putting in work, but what does that mean? I feel as though I married him under false pretenses. Should I cut my losses and leave or do I try to work it out? If so, how?!” -Anna
@CrazyJewishMom: Well, I always think it’s important to sample the kosher sausage before you buy the sperminator. So, we differ there, but ANNA…Orthodox Jew, Catholic, Hindu….it doesn’t matter. This guy is a lying piece of crap by any cultural standard.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, trust is the MOST important thing in a relationship, and your entire foundation is built on a lie. In a way, you’re right to equate it with cheating, because what he’s done is a huge violation of your trust, not to mention the actual physical danger he put you in with the STD. And it really sounds like this is a pattern for him. this guy can’t tell the truth to save his life!
@CrazyJewishMom: Do you have kids? A home built on lies is not a safe place for children. But that’s the only reason I can imagine to give this a second thought. Why stay miserable with this pathological lying, bad in bed, mamma’s boy?? There are tons of sperminators in the sea. Let his mother take care of him. They deserve eachother.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: I think you should go to a therapist on your own to discuss all of this and make a final decision, but don’t feel like you’re stuck just because you made this commitment. Divorce exists for a reason. But again, we’re not professionals, and you shouldn’t make a huge decision like this without talking to a trained therapist who can help you navigate the whole situation.
@CrazyJewishMom: When the salami is rotten, you throw it out and find some new manmeat.
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