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Ask Mom & Spawn: Did my EXCLUSIVE boyfriend give me an STD?

Anonymous wrote in because she got chlamydia … but she and her boyfriend are “exclusive”!

“Hi Mom and Spawn! Love the podcast and the advice column. I am hoping you can help me figure out what to do. I’ve been dating the love of my life for almost two years. Things were casual at the beginning, but three months in we were 1000000% exclusive. You would be proud of me, mom. Before we had sex a few months later, I made sure we both got tested for STDs, even though I was a virgin at the time. We were both clean. Fast forward to now, and two years later, I got a call from my gynecologist after my annual appointment, and she told me that I have chlamydia. I’m absolutely mortified, and I have no idea what happened. I looked online, and it’s very rare but I read that you can catch STDs from sharing towels at the gym and from mosquitos, so I’m working up the courage to tell my boyfriend. I am so so so scared that he will start to question things and think i’ve been unfaithful, but I have never ever ever cheated on him. How do I tell him what happened?” – Anonymous

@CrazyJewishMom: DENIAL ALERT! DENIAL ALERT! DENIAL ALERT! Honey, you don’t get chlamydia from a moldy gym rag…you get it from your cheating boyfriend’s penis.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, I think you may be too close to the situation to see things clearly. Sometimes, STDs can be dormant for a while, but when you got tested you were a virgin, and it sounds like you had been exclusive with the guy for at least a few months. While it is certainly possible that you got a STD from a mosquito, they’re called “sexually transmitted diseases” and not “airborne insect transmitted diseases” for a reason. As you even acknowledge, getting an STD from a bug is super rare.

@CrazyJewishMom: Why are you even pretending this is a possibility, spawn?? Read my lips: HE. IS. A. FILTHY. LYING. CHEATER.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, if you have indeed been totally faithful, you might need to consider the possibility that he hasn’t. I’m so sorry you’re going through this – it’s just awful. You probably need to have a different, more confrontational kind of conversation than you had been planning with this guy.

@CrazyJewishMom: Conversation? There’s no conversation. You should chop off his filthy little, creepy crawler infested dick, and feed it to a pack of raccoons.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Well, maybe just toss it. Don’t want the raccoons getting chlamydia.

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