Crazy Hungry Mom

What Kind Of Wine Am I?

May 25th is National Wine Day, but we celebrate every day (just ask @CrazyJewishMom…). Whether you’re enjoying a nice bottle of bubbles on a hot day, or cozying up with a bottle of red during a snowstorm, there are so many ways to enjoy wine that are worth celebrating! But we all know you’ve been asking yourself one very important question: “If I were reduced down to the size of a grape, fermented, and aged in a wooden barrel, what kind of wine would I be?” Fear not. We’re here to break it down for you with this definitive list:

  1. For the EXTROVERT: Sauvignon Blanc

You’re great at making new friends and chatting it up with people you’ve never met, so why don’t you talk about the citrusy and floral notes in this lovely glass of sauv blanc (yeah, you shorten that name) with that group of strangers in the corner? Go on, impress them with your knowledge and dry (ha, get it?) sense of humor!

2. For the RESERVED: Port

Ah yes, the perfect wine to drink completely by yourself. You’re just like this dessert wine: sweet and worth waiting for until the end of the meal. You love  your alone time and you don’t need a man…I mean food…to accompany you! You’re an independent woman who don’t need no cheese plate (but like, if you wanted one, that would be perfectly fine)!

3. For the WILD CHILD: Sparkling Rosé

Pop those bottles. This wine loves festivities and so do you! Plus, it’s pink. Who doesn’t love pink? It’s so fun! Plus, it’s impossible not to be the life of the party with a glass of this stuff in your hand. It’s fresh, bubbly, and explodes when shaken up just like you. Bring on the rosé colored glasses!

4. For the CHILL GIRL: Chianti

Chianti’s are aged for two or more years in a French oak cask, and what a coincidence, so are you! You love to take in your environment slowly and ease into situations are your own pace. You are best when sipped slowly and reserved for special occasions, just like this bottle of red. It’s worth warming up to you, as your relaxed nature rubs off on those around you.

5. For the ECCENTRIC: Lambrusco

A sparkling red? How…different. Just like you! You’re a conversation piece in it of yourself and you THRIVE on that! Embrace that quirky and unique nature, just like this fruity and bubbly red. You’re bound to be the topic of everyone in your presence, and will turn heads with each sip.

6. For the HIP & COOL: Prosecco

You’re the cool kid everyone wants to talk to at parties, on the street — wherever you make your presence known. You give off an air of sophisticated charm and nonchalance that makes everyone both inspired by and jealous of you. With your hints of green apple, citrus, and white flowers, you’re the go-to person to talk to about the hip new bars, where to eat in that trendy new part of town, and what’s actually really, really underrated nowadays, like the place that serves margaritas in a canteen-type water jug for ~effect~.

7. For the FLIRT: Pinot Noir

What can you say, you love romance — even if it means you need to start it yourself. With a glass (or two!) of Pinot Noir in your system, the seductive way you bat your eyelashes and that awe-inducing smile comes way more naturally. So what if you giggle a little too much or talk to that really cute guy at the end of the bar who is most definitely a f**kboy? Flirt it up with the most romanticized wine on Earth as your wingman.

8. For the SERIOUS: Chardonnay

You’re the head honcho in every aspect of your life. From planning trips with family and friends, to overseeing projects at work, you’re a certified boss — just like Chardonnay. With chardonnay grapes growing everywhere imaginable, Chardonnay is the boss of the wine world. Besides it’s serious reputation, however, there are still fun hints of fruit, lemon, and vanilla — just like you. Yet, to the eye, you’re definitely a force to be reckoned with.

9. For the COMEDIAN: Moscato

Sweet and slightly fizzy is how people would describe your hilarious personality. With your perfectly-timed one liners and conversational skills that could be mistaken for a stand-up act, you have people bubbling with laughter everywhere you go. Paired with a glass of Moscato, the laughter naturally continues.

10:For the CLASS-ACT: White Zinfandel

You’re always classy, never trashy — just like a solid glass of White Zinfandel. Even though you’re technically a rosé, you’re regarded as this wild child’s classier older sister. You love a good party, but you never spill your drink or let your hair down too much. Instead, you enjoy the charms of conversation and indulging on some bougie hor d’oeuvres. You do you, boo.

Written in collaboration with Danielle Elmers.

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