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Ask Mom & Spawn: Eight Years In & He STILL Won’t Marry Me!

I want to marry him, but how long can I wait!?

“Hi Spawn and Mother! I need help; my boyfriend and I have been together for over eight years, lived together for one and have been talking about marriage for three. I’ve told him how important it is to me, but he just doesn’t seem to hear me or care. He even jokes about it like he’s going to propose, telling his friend, “I hope she says yes,” and then he apologizes for the mean joke later on. When I bring it up, he says he’s thinking about it or he knows he wants to, but it’s been three years. Do I continue to wait and accept that I’m maybe not marriage material, or do I move on? I can’t imagine my life without him; he’s been with me through cancer, hell and back. Having cancer confirmed for me that I want to start our life together, but apparently he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m so confused, what do I do?!” – Jackie

@CrazyJewishMom: First, you don’t listen to a word my spawn says about this one, because she waited way too long in her own relationship. You know what you do? You move the hell out. Right now, he has all the benefits of being in a loving, committed relationship, but he’s too chicken shit to make a commitment. I understand that he was there for you during cancer, but he does have to make a decision. Do it nicely and calmly, but tell him you are getting your own place, since he can’t commit to you. Don’t give him an ultimatum or a choice. Say it’s a done deal. You are moving out.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Well, I’m a firm believer that it is very important to get to know a person thoroughly before you commit the rest of your life to them, and going through something as earth shaking as cancer together, will certainly let you see how someone handles a crisis and tough decisions. I’m sorry you went through that, but it sounds like you came through it with important clarity about your feelings for this guy. All of that said, eight years is a long time.

@CrazyJewishMom: Thank you!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: It seems like you might need to have a more serious talk with him and express how much this is hurting you and making you doubt yourself. 

@CrazyJewishMom: NO. Talking is the problem here. Talk is cheap. He can say whatever crap he wants to say to make you feel better in the moment, but you have to look at his actions. I’ve told my spawn this for her entire life: people DO what they want. Look at what he’s doing, look at the actual actions he’s taking, not at his bullshit promises. 

@KateFriedmanSiegel: I do agree with that.

@CrazyJewishMom: Listen to me. You want to know what to do? You get the hell out of there. You move out; you move back in with your parents or with a friend if you have to. You don’t yell or fight. You very calmly tell him that while you love him and you do want to be with him, you’ve decided that you need to move on with your life, because ultimately, you do want to be in a committed marriage. You tell him that eight years is more than enough to know who someone is, and if he’s still not sure if he can commit to you, you can’t waste any more of your time, no matter how much you love him. And now I’m going to tell you why you have to do this. It’s because there are only two outcomes here. One, he gets his ass in gear, realizes what he’s thrown away, and chases after you with an engagement ring. Or two, he lets you go. And if he doesn’t chase you, you will thank your lucky stars you got out before he wasted more of your time. This isn’t a scenario where you’ve been dating a couple years, and maybe he needs more time to wrap his head around marriage. No, this man has shared just shy of a decade with you. You either need to get married or get back on Bumble.

 

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