Ah, summer as an adult. No longer the time when responsibilities disappear and the most important conflict you’ll face is arguing with your mom about whether it’s been long enough since lunch to go swimming. You’ve outgrown overnight camp and the teen-specific programs that were invented so you could make out with someone for the first time while surrounded by your new best friends who you met two days ago. As you remember all your glorious teenage summer moments, like capsizing in that sunfish sailboat and sitting in your homemade blanket fort as your friend who’s been to second base demonstrates how to use a tampon, the cold hard slap of reality hits you in the face: is it really possible that you’ve peaked during summers past? Spoiler: you did.
Here are seven reasons why summer as an adult sucks eggs.
1. You can’t break the rules, because there are no rules to break.
Is this a negative, or a positive? On the one hand, you don’t have a curfew, and nobody’s watching your every move. You can do whatever the hell you want! But on the other hand, rule-breaking is like, really f*cking fun. Sneaking out to meet your crush behind the bunks and going for summer joyrides? Priceless.
2. Dating is really annoying.
Gone are the days of “let’s go over to the boys side of camp to see who grew chest hair during the winter!” In the real world, the boys side of camp = dating apps. Newsflash: they’re full of dick pics. When did life get so complicated?
Ah, yes. The way in which we support our collection of organic cleaning products (just me? Cool, moving on…) Unlike school, work doesn’t come to a halt in the summer. Unless you’re a teacher, in which case you’ve done everything right, and have won your life. Good job. But for the rest of you? If you decided to take the whole summer off and lounge somewhere glamorous, you’d get FIRED. Life is unfair.
4. Seasonal allergies.
Maybe you had the occasional scratchy throat during ragweed season as a kid, but for some reason (that I’m sure has a biological answer, but let’s keep the mystery alive), now that you’re an adult, your throat and nose are on FIRE for all of June. Mother nature is a cruel mistress.
5. Paying for your own air conditioning.
It’s not your parents’ house anymore, kid. You have an electric bill, which means saying goodbye to blasting that sweet AC all summer long. Money > sweating like a monster. Have fun melting!
6. Watching your friends take incredible vacations.
Where does all that money come from? What kind of job allows you to jet off for months on end? Can I have that job? Here’s my resume. I’m also open to you adopting me. Your call.
7. Not having a pool.
Unless you do, in which case, please stop rubbing it in. Why is it so hard to find a place to cool off? Do they WANT us to melt? Who are they? Is this a conspiracy? Probably.
I think we can all agree that you peaked at summer camp, or on that teen tour, or wherever you spent your summers as a wide-eyed, excitable teenager. On the bright side, you’ll always have those amazing memories to relive while you’re sitting at your desk filling out expense reports. Anyway, Happy Summer, AKA Satan’s living room where the AC is broken forever!