Anonymous wrote in because she only found out that her boyfriend of 5 years cheated on her (with his ex!) because it came out during his custody court hearing. Now, she doesn’t know what to do.
“I’ve been with my boyfriend for five and half years, and I’ve recently discovered my entire relationship was built on a lie. During a custody hearing for his daughter (from a previous relationship), I discovered that his ex partner had an abortion approximately four months into our relationship, meaning for a few months at the beginning of our relationship, he was cheating on me with her. I’m financially supporting him through the court proceedings, as the legal fees are costing him thousands, but I can’t help but worry about what other lies he’s told me. For example, I recently asked him if he had a good weekend while I was busy seeing family. He said it was “quiet.” I then learned on social media that he’d actually been on a “single lads night out” on the Saturday night! When I confronted him, he said I was trying to “control” him and that it was none of my business where he’d been. Whenever I ask about his day, he constantly lies about where he’s been. He says he’s going to work, but he goes the gym or to his mom’s house. There’s no mention of me on his social media accounts. I pay all of our bills and have very little left to spend on myself each month. I feel like I have a very expensive roommate rather than a boyfriend. He’s also been a bit violent towards me recently after drinking alcohol, and said horrendous things to me (he hates me, etc) but then blames the stress of his court case for his outbursts and says he doesn’t mean it. Is he using me? Is there another possible explanation for his evasiveness or am I clearly being played? He’s basically lied to me about everything for almost six years, and I don’t understand why?” – Anonymous
@CrazyJewishMom: Are you being played? No, you’re being abused. You just listed horrifying thing after horrifying thing that this human skid mark has put you through for the last six years, and now all I want to do is frame him for murder.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, so it’s all terrible, but the violence is the most concerning thing here, in my opinion. Everything you’ve described is so abusive and manipulative, and I genuinely hurt for you, but the pattern of verbal and physical abuse coupled with apologies and sweetness the next day, is an especially dangerous cycle to fall into. I would urge you to speak to a therapist about that element of your relationship, as we obviously aren’t qualified or even well versed enough in the specifics of your situation to tell you what the best next steps are.
@CrazyJewishMom: I’ll tell you what next best steps are…chop his dick off, throw it in a garbage bin doused with lighter fluid, and light up the dumpster fire.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Nope. A therapist will be more helpful in guiding you here. But I will say this, trust is literally the most important thing you can have in a relationship. Not only is this guy untrustworthy, he’s also been lying to you since day one. In asking if you’re “being played” by this man, it seems like what you’re really getting at is whether he’s in the relationship for love or if he’s just using you for the money and comfort you’re providing? To that, I’d say maybe. But isn’t that beside the point? Why are you in a relationship with him? He’s emotionally and physically abusive, he has been lying to you for six years, he has cheated on you (and you only found out about it because it came up in court), he relies on you financially, and he consistently gaslights you. If your best girlfriend were dating someone who had done all that, what would you tell her to do?
@CrazyJewishMom: You’d tell her to change her locks, to block him on social media, to change her phone number, and NOT TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CENT.
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, go to Domestic Violence Hotline or call the hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
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