If you didn’t already know, a brave, chicken-obsessed mother recently gave birth to her daughter in the bathroom of a closed Chik-fil-A. Once the ordeal of childbirth was over, and both mom and baby were safe in the hospital, Chik-fil-A gifted the newborn with a lifetime supply of chicken sandwiches, creamy milkshakes, waffle fries, and a guaranteed job when she turns 14. Reading about how #blessed this days-old child is, I couldn’t help but get angry that my mother was selfish enough to birth me at a hospital. Last I checked, Englewood Hospital wasn’t handing out a lifetime supply of free healthcare to all newborns! Since this Chik-fil-A kid is obviously set for life, here is a list of 10 places where I wish I had pushed my way out into the world before my mom got to the hospital — and if you’re about to give birth to your own free Chik-fil-A ATM, I mean child, you might want to consider this list.
Fact: Target is a safe haven in this shitstorm of a world. From trendy bathing suits to lego toys to aisles of frozen food and cereal, Target has everything you could ever want and more! Typically, I go in to buy one thing and leave with a $500 receipt and 30 lbs of “unnecessary” stuff — but what if my mother had gone in looking for paper towels and came out with newborn me? If that happened, I’m sure she could have negotiated paper towels into the free things agreement that Target would have been contractually obligated to give us.
2.) Shake Shack or In-N-Out:
A lifetime supply of burgers, fries, and shakes? Yes please. Depending on what coast my mother was living on during her last stage of pregnancy, she should have wandered into either of these burger joints, forcibly broken her water and gone into rapid labor. I’m sure she decided against it because she didn’t want me eating animal-style everyday, but whatever. I’m still getting cheese fries.
3.) Dairy Queen:
Why didn’t my mother foresee my inevitable sweet tooth? If I were born at DQ, my life would consist of free blizzards, and who knows? Maybe I would have realized that my main passion in life is working at the ice cream franchise, pumping soft serve and eating in the back when no one is looking. How dare she cut short my fetal dream with a traditional hospital birth!
4.) Amazon HQ:
Jeff Bezos could’ve been my midwife … or at least gifted me with a free, lifetime Prime membership, so I could have all my packages sent to my doorstep within two days or less. Imagine a world where I never have to pay for shipping *wipes dramatic tear from my eye*. THANKS FOR A LIFETIME OF SHIPPING AND HANDLING COSTS, MOM!
5.) Trader Joes:
Who wouldn’t want to be born while surrounded by affordable, frozen artisanal food? If my first life moments took place in front of the frozen Indian food section, my grocery bills would be a whole lot cheaper. Trader Joes would also probably just send food directly to my door because that’s the kind of supermarket it is — a true friend.
Pizza is love. Pizza is life. And the pizza would be all mine if my mother had just stopped for pizza on the way to the hospital during her contractions, like my father wanted to do. Thanks for ruining pizza, mom.
7.) Disney World:
Free admission, cuts in the line and all-I-could-eat Dole whip — need I say more? If only my mom could’ve spent the happiest moment of her life (which was giving birth to me, duh) at the happiest place on Earth.
8.) An airport:
Okay, so an airport might not be the most ideal place to give birth (would you be able to get a newborn baby through security?). But imagine: being rewarded with free miles and upgrades to first class. The only thing standing between me and my dreams of becoming a traveling meme-maker is the free airfare I would have gotten if my mom had shoved me out at JFK!
I’m just your average girl, trying to live a healthy life of overpriced salads and kombucha. Why couldn’t my mom have seen into the future and realized that salads would be $15+ in 2018! Just imagine all the kale, quinoa, and sweet potatoes I could be nourishing my body with right now! I COULD GET SCURVY, SO THANKS FOR THAT, MOM!
10.) A bank:
This is self-explanatory: Just give me money.
Unfortunately, my mother failed me, so I have to resign myself to a life of full-priced salads, package delivery nightmares, and absolutely zero free chicken sandwiches. So, if you’re an expectant mother, take one for the team and give your child the gift of a lifetime of free shit. The children are our future. Do it for them!