Anonymous wrote in because after changing her mind, she wants to have kids of her own. The only problem is her BF isn’t on the same page. Should she leave?
“I’m 30 and lately I’ve been debating having kids. My boyfriend, who had an irreversible vasectomy prior to meeting me, lives with me, and his kids from a previous marriage also live with us half the time. When we met, I didn’t want kids, but living with them has changed things for me, and I really am wanting a family of my own that I don’t have to share with his ex-wife. We discussed my doing IVF with a sperm donor or adopting, but he is opposed to kids still, and wants to focus on getting his kids out of the house and having more free time. I feel a little guilty, because he considers this a “bait and switch”, but I can’t help that I have changed. Should I leave or keep trying to find a compromise?” -Anonymous
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Zero to leaving way, way too quick.
@CrazyJewishMom: Oh please. When I was dating Kate’s father, he told me absolutely no kids and absolutely no pets. Seven dogs, four cats, and one Kate later, here we are.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, I think if you really love a person, the details are little bit flexible. While it’s crucial to have the same general vision for what life should look like, people evolve, shit happens.The point of a relationship is to support your partner through all of it.
@CrazyJewishMom: Listen, have the baby or adopt. He’ll fall in love, and everything will be fine.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: From the way you’ve described it, it sounds like he’s at least open to the idea of having more kids. He’s not thrilled about it clearly, but I think you should try to figure it out with him before throwing in the towel. Maybe instead of having a few kids, you have one or two. I just don’t think you’re at a place with him where it makes sense to throw the boyfriend out with the bath water. Again, he already seems (grudgingly) willing to explore options with you! It’s fair to worry that he’s not happy about it, but again, it sounds like he loves you, and people aren’t totally consistent. This has become something that is very important to you, so I think this is a situation where you’ll be able to compromise.
@CrazyJewishMom: Okay, enough with this. Get the kid. He’ll thank you later. Children are forever, and you will be so in love with your child. But be prepared to raise the kid alone if the boyfriend can’t deal with it.
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