In this week’s #WhatTheHellHappened, we caught up with Jasmine. She wrote us, because she is polyamorous and in love with a boyfriend who is only interested in monogamy! Jasmine wanted to pursue other relationships, but as my mother so delicately put it, her boyfriend doesn’t “want his Baby Cannon Queen to sample any other manmeat.” I thought that if it was a deal-breaker for her, she could encourage her boyfriend to also try polyamory, but ultimately agreed with my mom: “You can’t have it both ways. THIS manmeat comes with commitment, so you have to make up your mind. But you can say goodbye to him and hello to lots of different penises. The choice is yours, not his. Make up your mind.”
So, #WhatTheHellHappened? Here’s a refresher on Jasmine’s original story, and an update from her below!
“Hey guys, my boyfriend and I have lived together for well over a year. We were talking about getting engaged, and everything was perfect. Then, an issue that kills all my relationships popped up again. I’m polyamorous. He’s not. Now, on our first date I told him I didn’t want to be serious because this is how I am, and that I won’t change it for him. Now that it’s actually brought to his attention, he says he hadn’t understood what I meant. We do so much for and with each other, we’re very much a team. However we know that if we can’t find a way to make this work, we may have to break up before it causes much more pain. So, please, if you guys can think of a good compromise that may work for us, I’d love to hear it. I’m almost at my wit’s end.” – Jasmine
So, #WhatTheHellHappened to her?
“A lot has happened. Well, shortly after I wrote in, LIFE got in the way of dealing with monogamy vs polyamory. Between the two of us, we had four close family members pass away, and even one distant family member. We both had so much to grieve. I’d never had a death this close in the family before, and I lost my grandma, my best friend. We went to his family funerals and what not, and asked him to come to mine. He politely declined, as he didn’t want to miss work and my family lives out of state. This hurt, but I understood. Shortly after, however, I asked for some help getting home (I didn’t have a car) and he told me what a huge inconvenience a four hour drive was on his day off. I was furious and heartbroken.
I handled it completely the wrong way, and I cheated on him. He still doesn’t know. When I got home (with help from my closest friend, who also talked me out of leaving him), we talked things through and he apologized, crying, admitting he hadn’t been working through his own pain of losing family. We worked things out and moved on with our lives.
Finally, I put more pressure on him about being poly. He told me he didn’t want to seriously discuss it until we were engaged, so I waited. Flashforward a few months, and we had been talking about it so much we just decided to go out and buy a ring and call it done. We talk about my being poly, and he consented to letting me start talking to someone outside of our relationship, and I just stepped up the relationship I’d already continued with the man I cheated with. At one point, my now fiance had a breakdown and admitted he can’t stand it anymore, and doesn’t want me seeing anyone else. Again, crying. How can I say no? Except, I realise I’m in trouble. Two issues have now come up. One, I was so happy being myself, and was loathe to stop. Two, I’ve now also fallen for Man 2.
I once again handled everything horribly and have continued seeing Man 2, despite my agreement with my fiance. I’m so torn up and angry. I know the best thing to do would be to leave my fiance or at least be honest with him, but he’s a very sensitive man and I’m afraid it would destroy him if he found out. This man flat out told me he’d rather I cheated on him than left him. I also know that I’ve taken this from him being the one at fault to this wholly being on me. Man 2 is aware of everything and doesn’t care. He doesn’t match my feelings, and has never expressed a desire to be together or for me to leave my fiance. Somehow, this hurts worse.
I’ve just gone and made everything worse, and I don’t know what to do. I love this life I have, I’m madly in love with my fiance and our future together would be rocky, but beautiful. Thank you guys for your candid advice.” -Jasmine
@CrazyJewishMom: JASMINE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BREAK UP WITH THIS GUY, AND PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY!!!!
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, it’s good that you can acknowledge that you’re at fault here, because that’s the truth. I’m not going to rattle off all the things that are extremely messed up about what you’ve done here, because it’s clear you’re already feeling guilty and know you need to make a change. Ultimately, I think I stand by what I said in the first advice column when you wrote us. To refresh, if you can’t commit to monogamy with this man, you need to break up with him. He doesn’t even know that you cheated on him before, and he already can’t stand the thought of you being with someone else. It’s extremely unfair to put someone you love through that pain. It has gone too far. He wants to commit the rest of his life to you and only you. If you can’t do the same and you care about him at all, then you have to let him go! And even if you do decide to commit, I think you need to come clean about the cheating.
@CrazyJewishMom: If you want to be in a polyamorous relationship, get a polyamorous boyfriend!! This is a one baby cannon kind of sperminator.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Do you mean like he’s a ‘one woman kind of man?’
@CrazyJewishMom: Yes, he’s a one baby cannon kind of sperminator.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay then. Also Jasmine, there’s something I don’t understand. You seem to be hurt by the idea that the other man you’re seeing isn’t jealous and asking you to break up with your fiance and date him instead. Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t the point of being with a polyamorous partner, the acceptance that you are in relationships with other people? In fact, “Man 2” sounds like an ideal partner for you, in light of his comfort with you being with other people. I don’t understand how you can be frustrated and angry about the jealousy your fiance feels and then simultaneously be hurt by the lack of jealousy you’re getting in another relationship.
@CrazyJewishMom: Oh, enough already, just commit or move on!! Enough with the drama. And Jasmine, save yourself a whole lotta angst in the future: date polyamorous men!
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