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Ask Mom & Spawn: Am I Being Naive? My Husband Is on Tinder but Says He Hasn’t Met Anyone

JoEllen wrote in because her cousin was scrolling Tinder … and found JoEllen’s husband of eight years. Now, she doesn’t know what to do and feels lost.

“My cousin informed me she saw my husband on Tinder. Apparently she found him 2 months ago and confided in my brother who confronted my husband. My husband didn’t delete his profile and was still active so she told me, and I confronted my husband who, of course, said he made it, but hasn’t met anyone or physically cheated on me. I, of course, dig through his email and social media and find he is on several dating sites and has been chatting with lots of girls, but none of the conversations look like they led to them actually meeting. I don’t know what to do. We have been together for 8 years and I don’t know if I’m being naive, if I believe he didn’t meet anyone, and if he really isn’t going to do this again. I feel lost and stupid and like my entire (huge) family is going to be judging and cold to him if I stay. Help!” – JoEllen

@CrazyJewishMom: Don’t feel stupid, feel ENRAGED. This walking shit-stain doesn’t deserve to lick the crusty cat urine off the bottom of a litter box!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Well, that’s creative.

@CrazyJewishMom: What an asshole! First of all, it doesn’t matter if he actually cheated on you. The fact that he is a married man on a dating site means he is a Fuck Boy. And honey, how do you know he didn’t meet any of these women he talked to? You don’t! They could have conversations you don’t know about, and if he’s been lying about all these dating sites, why should you believe anything he says about that?

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, so I agree. I don’t even think it matters whether or not he met up with any of these women. Not only did he completely betray your trust by creating these profiles in the first place, he also kept the tinder profile up even after your brother caught him red handed, AND THEN HE LIED TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT. Sorry for the all caps (shouting), but that’s pretty outrageous. When you talked to him about it, he didn’t even confess to everything, you had to dig through his emails and social media to get (what you hope is) the whole story. This is a huge violation of trust, and it’s completely understandable to be devastated by this, no matter what may or may not have happened physically. You had what you thought was a shared understanding of expectations of each other and of your overall reality. To find out that isn’t what’s happening can really mess with a person. I know from experience.

@CrazyJewishMom: Get a great therapist and cut this loser to the curb!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: All of that said, it is ultimately up to you about how to proceed. If you do want to try and make it work with him, I agree with my mom and would strongly encourage you to work through this in couples therapy and to try and slowly build back trust. Don’t let him minimize this. It’s a huge violation, and your feelings are completely justified. I do think you need to be really honest with yourself in therapy though – are you ever going to be able to fully trust him again? If not, do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying every time he gets a text, and checking his email after he falls asleep every night?

@CrazyJewishMom: Just remember, there are so many sperminators out there. If you have kids, then that’s a whole different story, but I’m just saying…so much manmeat!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, I know you’re married and have been together a long time, but if you give it your best shot in therapy and it’s ultimately broken, fear of the unknown isn’t a reason to stay in something painful. If you are able to make it work with him though, don’t worry about your family. They are rightfully angry now, but it sounds like they love you a lot and will ultimately support you in whatever decision you make.

hires-book-coverRead Kate’s Book!

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