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Ask Mom & Spawn: Help! My Boyfriend Is Commitment-Phobic About Marriage

Anonymous wrote in because she’s in love with her boyfriend and wants marriage and babies with him. Unfortunately, he’s dragging his feet, only “probably” wants kids, and body shamed her. What should she do?

“Hi Mom and Spawn – I’m very lost at the moment. My partner and I have been going out for 2.5 years. But whenever I bring up the future like marriage and children, he can’t deal. Over the past 6 months, I think I’ve tried several different ways of approaching it and he still can’t tell me his approximate timeline for getting engaged/married/procreating. It hurts me so much because I’ve known for a while I want kids and marriage with him. Last Thursday it all came to a head because on my lunch break I saw that his best friend was engaged and to a girl he’s only dated for one year. My first reaction was to burst into tears. I said enough was enough and said it’s probably best we break up. However he in no way wants to, so he showed up announced at my house with his plans. He said he wants to be engaged in 2 years and I said that’s too long so he said he could compromise to 1 year. The thing that hurts me is he says he “probably” wants kids even though he knows I want them. And he says we both need to be healthier, which makes me think he doesn’t think I’m worthy at my current weight. I feel like my only option is to leave even though I love him?” -Anonymous

@CrazyJewishMom:  You answered you own question. GET THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW. Do not pass go. Do not get back together. After two and half years with someone, you know if you want to be with them. Don’t let this manboy fuckbaby waste any more of your time. Plenty of sperminators out there.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, so I disagree that two and a half years is an unreasonable amount of time to date before getting engaged, BUT a lot of what you’ve described is troubling. You are clearly not on the same page about a lot of important things.

@CrazyJewishMom: Listen, you did a good job breaking up with him in the first place. Sometimes, people need that kind of jolt to bring them to their senses and realize what they’re taking for granted. Now, if after you dumped him he’d come back with a ring, that would be one thing. He didn’t. Wake up and smell the commitment-phobic coffee!! He came back asking for more time and gave you a crapload of talk about how much he loves you. Let’s cut the shit. At the end of the day, people do what they want. All he’s doing is talking and wasting your time. Don’t let him get away with it. Don’t get back together with him based on his bullshit promises.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: So, I do have to agree with some of that. Think about it – you know exactly how you feel about this guy and what you want, and he still doesn’t. Not only that, he can see how much the uncertainty is hurting you! Things could evolve, perhaps he’s young, but I think this doesn’t bode terribly well. Unfortunately, it’s a very common thing for guys to hesitate a bit before taking that big step, and as my mom said, they sometimes do need a gentle push. But you gave him that push, and when confronted with the possibility of losing you, he still wasn’t sure. Don’t you want someone who is unambiguous in how they feel about you?

@CrazyJewishMom: RUN.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Also if you do give him more time, before you even think about getting engaged, you need to get on the same page about kids – not only if you want them, but how many, how you imagine raising them, all of that. The questions surrounding future children are not small ones you can just sweep under the rug and deal with later. It will only be worse to try and figure out down the road. And finally, I really don’t love the idea that he’s body shaming you. Not just because it’s gross and unacceptable on a fundamental level (which it is), but also because of what it says about him. Do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel unworthy because of your weight? Life is long, and the idea that he’s using body fat percentage as a criterion to consider a potential life partner is incredibly superficial, in my view, stupid, and perhaps points to a lack understanding of what a lifetime with someone entails. Put aside for the moment that he’ll probably want someone to love him, receding hairline, beer belly, and all someday. When you’re pregnant, do you really want to feel self conscious and worry about what you partner will think about your stretch marks? Attraction is obviously a super important part of any romantic relationship, but the idea that he’s suggesting your weight would keep him from wanting to marry you is a huge red flag. When you marry someone, you’re committing to a hell of a lot more than what that person looks like on the day you propose to them, or at least you should be in my opinion. End rant.

@CrazyJewishMom:  I changed my mind. Dump him AND frame the fat-shaming jerk for murder.

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