Gaby wrote in because she loves her boyfriend, but she recently moved abroad and now her boyfriend is being super clingy. Now, she doesn’t know what to do.
“I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven months and since the beginning of our relationship in February he was fully aware that I was moving to another country for my studies in August. While we were in the same place we had a lot of ups and downs, but we managed to go through it. He really is insecure about himself and about me and is absolutely terrified about me cheating (which I’ve never done unlike him with his ex for instance, and I don’t ever intend to do). We used to nearly live together and spend a lot of time together. Like, he was kind of the center of my life. But I moved away one week ago and it’s already a nightmare … I’m usually an independent girl and I’m enjoying my life abroad. I’m absolutely happy to have time for myself and do things I like even though I miss him. But he doesn’t eat anymore, doesn’t sleep and he’s very very unhappy. And he makes me pay for being happy without him. He’s very passive aggressive and always makes everything sound like every problem we encounter is my fault and I’m really tired about him being manipulative. Plus he’s always saying things like when I go back home he’ll never let me go (which sounds creepy and terrifying to me because well… I want to travel and do things without him and just enjoy life both with and without him). He wants us to have video call every night and reacts badly when I can’t reply to his texts within 10 minutes. I love him, he’s the first guy I’ve ever loved…. I really need help right now. Thank you so much! – Gaby
@CrazyJewishMom: STALKER ALERT! STALKER ALERT! STALKER ALERT! Gaby, what do you need this drama for? Just enjoy your life and your time abroad!
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, I want to be careful here. Based on the admittedly very limited information you’ve shared, I have some concerns about this guy. The picture of the relationship you’ve painted really raises a lot of red flags for me. I don’t want to be an alarmist, but a lot of the things he’s doing sound at best controlling, possessive and as you correctly identify, manipulative, and at worst, could portend abuse.
@CrazyJewishMom: Just dump the loser. Gaby, it sounds to me like you want to break up with the guy, but you feel bad about it. You need someone to give you permission to dump him? PERMISSION GRANTED. Look at how you describe your life, you’re happy, exploring a new place abroad, and there’s this manchild-sized weight dragging you down. Time to cut the joy-sucking anchor loose and have fun on your adventure!
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Sure, but I really see it as more than the guy simply being no fun. He’s actively trying to control your actions from afar and then punishing you when you can’t abide by his unrealistic demands on you and your time. That’s emotionally abusive! And his “jokes” about never letting you go and being so lovelorn that he can’t eat and sleep? That’s not cute, it’s creepy and seems deliberately aimed at making you feel guilty and generally like shit. It would be one thing if he were super excited for you and supportive, but sometimes expressed a little sadness over missing you…but all the things that you’ve described taken together paint an unhealthy, manipulative picture in my view.
@CrazyJewishMom: Let’s be serious. You’ve been with the guy seven months. Get out while the gettin’s good!
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