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Ask Mom & Spawn: I Love My Boyfriend, But I Wish Things Worked Out With My Ex. What do I Do?

Torn wrote in because she’s so incredibly happy with her boyfriend…but can’t help thinking about her Ex and what could’ve been if he was more like her boyfriend now. What should she do?

“Hi Mom and Spawn! Backstory: I was with my ex for close to 10 years with no commitment in sight even after we had a child and a dog together. After he had been unfaithful, I left him and took our child and dog with me. Now, a year later, I found a fantastic man who loves me and treats me like a queen and has a 2 year plan of being engaged and moved in together and the whole 9 yards. My child adores him and he would be the perfect choice. But I find myself still thinking about my ex, and wishing to have fixed things with him, wishing him to be more like my boyfriend now. I want to be happy with the right man, but the memories won’t let me. Please help me before I go crazy!” – Torn

@CrazyJewishMom: GO crazy?! Honey, HMS Crazy has sailed, and you are ON BOARD. Hell, you’re captain!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, that’s not very kind.

@CrazyJewishMom: I’m not kind?! Let me tell you what’s not kind…building a damn family with someone and then cheating on them after stringing them along for 10 years. Listen to me, your ex should be castrated and put out to pasture. You know where he should not be? In your thoughts for even one goddamn second.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, but nonetheless he is on her mind! In spite of my mom’s…let’s call it hyperbole, I tend to agree with the overall sentiment. At minimum, your ex clearly did not value you, and you, your kid, and your fur-kid deserve way better than that kind of disrespect.

@CrazyJewishMom: There’s nothing to be torn about here. You do what’s right for your child and the choice is obvious. Let your ex be involved as a dad, but you’ve moved on to bigger and better things. Don’t look back now.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Another point I think you should consider, is that sometimes people (unfortunately, usually women) get used to being treated like shit in romantic relationships, and that becomes a pattern that they seek out in their partners. When you learn through experience that all the drama, angst, excitement, and the high-highs and the low-lows that come with a shitty relationship is “love,” you also learn to expect and crave that kind of treatment from your partners. In fact, having your emotional needs disregarded, being cheated on, and generally getting shat on isn’t love, it’s just what you’re used to. A healthy relationship should be a partnership, and of course you will fight and there will be disagreements, but overall, it should be a safe space…a lot like the one you’re describing with your new boyfriend. I certainly don’t know all the nuances of your situation, but I’d just caution you that the absence of drama doesn’t make a relationship less exciting; it makes it more healthy!

@CrazyJewishMom: You’re addicted to the bad boy. Do yourself and your child a favor, and stay on the wagon.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: It’s natural to think about your ex from time to time, and I’d imagine wishing a relationship with the father of your child would have worked out is beyond normal! But it didn’t. And you can’t wish your ex into being the man you want him to be.

@CrazyJewishMom: And lucky you! You said it yourself…you’re already with the man you wish your ex could have measured up to.

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