For Science: We Wore Maternity Pants For a Thanksgiving Feast Trial Run, Here’s What Happened.

Written by Emery Schaffer and Danielle Elmers.

Danielle: Thanksgiving stresses me out.

Emery: Same!

Danielle: But you know what doesn’t stress me out? Science.

Emery: Heck yeah!

Danielle: Here’s the experiment du jour: On Thanksgiving, I always want to stunt on my entire family with a really cute outfit that almost always involves some type of denim bottom (a.k.a jeans, it’s always jeans).

Emery: Right? I want to look cute while I eat half my body weight in flightless bird and carbs.

Danielle: Do turkeys fly?

Emery: No idea. But how else is my extended family going to know about my chic New York fashion sense and superior attitude towards their peasant clothing? I want to wear my cute jeans to Thanksgiving, G-d dammit!

Danielle: Yeah. Jeans cut off circulation to the lower half after you become impregnated with your Thanksgiving food baby, and forces you to unbutton MULTIPLE buttons and ruin the ~look~ you were going for.

Emery: So scientific!

Danielle: Well, this is for science after all.

Emery: Shouldn’t we as people, nay, as Americans, have the option to wear whatever we want? I say yes, it’s our basic human right. We should investigate how to overcome this obstacle, and we did! We asked ourselves: what is the jeans on Thanksgiving loophole? Is it leggings? Is it a dress? That seemed too easy, so we decided to go with the only other conceivable (this is a pun!) option: maternity jeans. It was right in front of our noses the whole time!

Danielle: Think about it; these jeans are made specifically for women who need room for their protruding stomachs … and we were able to find a pair of cute Levi jeans on Amazon and thought why not??? To test out the jeans, we ransacked Kate’s kitchen and forced her (read: she graciously cooked for us and we are so grateful) to cook delicious Thanksgiving sides for us to eat. We then decided to turn it into a team lunch, where Emery and I would slip into our maternity jeans, sit down with Kate, and have a totally normal meal and talk about totally normal topics of conversation by candlelight (i.e. periods, women’s rights, and the dumpster fire that is the United States).

Emery: First order of business was to put the jeans on. As I slipped out of my real jeans and changed into these elastic-waisted beauties, I immediately felt my body relax. These things are so comfortable, you guys! Pregnant women really have the right idea. I’ve never worn a pair of pants that gives my body full permission to chill out like this. I was seriously excited. Danielle and I both agreed that we felt like free, independent women in these pants and now there’s no going back! We were ready to eat copious amounts of food, and we were ready to do it now.

Before eating our weight in food

Danielle: Equipped with romantic candles and roses, we dug into the delicious green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, and roasted veggies that Kate prepared.

Emery: It was lit. Just like the candles.

Danielle: Good one.

Emery: Thanks! Our eyes were on the prize and there was nothing stopping us…

Danielle: …except our stomachs.

Emery: Oh, yeah. I think I only made it through 1.5 plates before tapping out. So disappointing. Dang you Kate and your delicious cooking!

Brussel sprouts, cranberries and potatoes, oh my!

Danielle: But the pants…

Emery: They were AMAZING.

Danielle: As I felt my stomach expand with every bite, I didn’t feel the burning sensation of my waistline being squeezed and cut into like in years previous. Instead, it just felt normal; like I do this everyday. I could feel the pants molding to my whim and encouraging me to go for the 2nd and 3rd plates I had. They were like those friends who just want you to be happy — and hype you up to overindulge and treat yo’self.

Emery: The pants did a really did a good job of cradling my food child; I felt like she was in a safe elastic swaddle. But don’t get me wrong. We were hurting. Hurting so, so good.

Danielle: Later, I ate a slice of apple pie, and my jeans still didn’t cut off my circulation — just cradled me in comfort.

Emery: That was impressive.

After, and clearly regretting eating our weight in food

Danielle: The moral of this scientific inquiry: maternity pants rule, don’t wear regular jeans ever again.

Emery: Or at least, don’t wear them to Thanksgiving dinner ever again. Why would you, now that you know the wonders of a wide elastic waistband meant to stretch with a growing fetus?

Danielle: I may have gained 5 pounds, but it was five pounds of valuable insight into the intersection of style and comfort, and the ingenious ways women can help themselves eat copious amounts of food.

Emery: So the verdict? If you want to be cute on Thanksgiving but also live up to your incredible reputation for putting away food like a boss, these maternity jeans are for you! I’m totally wearing them on Thanksgiving.

Danielle: If my family asks why I am wearing maternity pants, I will first assure them that “No, I am not pregnant”, before telling them that I am starting a Thanksgiving revolution — or I might just hide the maternity belly part under a cute sweater.

Emery: You win again, science. You win again.

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