In the latest installment of “For Science,” the ladies of @CrazyJewishMom decided to get tits deep into something extremely fun and extremely absurd: The Wine Bra. Actually named The Wine Rack, this contraption is much like the beer hats that adorn the heads of the most extra of football fans, (the one two Coors Lights on either side and a funnel to suck it down). But unlike the hat, The Wine Rack allows you to drink wine from your boobs! It’s like breastfeeding yourself… okay, everyone stop picturing that. Seriously, once you get the hang of it, it’s really fun! Equipped with the sports bra, wine pouch, and plastic funnel, the ladies set out to see if this product is scientifically sound. Here are their findings.
Emery: DUN DUN.
Danielle: Eat your heart out, SVU!
Emery: So, the wine bra is a perfect storm. In theory, it’s incredible: a discreet way to hide your wine for occasions like the movies, your in-law’s house, or any other place you might need (not want, need) wine. But in practice … guys. Let me just start by saying that this contraption is terrifying, but once in use, so much fun. Science truly outdid itself this time.
Danielle: Hmm, I disagree. The wine bra was kind of a disaster from the beginning for me. First off, it doesn’t come with instructions — who does that?!
Emery: You just had to be scrappy, The Wine Rack takes no prisoners. I decided to first use my wine bra with water because I did not yet trust its ability to retain liquid, and didn’t want to wine stain everything I was wearing.
Emery: Right?? I filled the inner pouch with water from the sink, closed the little tab, and then quickly realized that I had absolutely no idea how to assemble it. I looked to YouTube for a solution and found a very handy how-to video. It’s not that it’s so hard to assemble, but it’s definitely not intuitive. Once assembled, I put my shirt back on and began hydrating through the tube attached to my boobs. And let me tell you: It. Was. Exhilarating. This is by far my favorite way to hydrate, hands down.
Danielle: I feel like I had a very different experience. I spent a half hour in Kate’s kitchen with just a sports bra on trying to finagle this contraption to work (I know, very professional). Once I was able to figure out how to set it up, filled it up with seltzer, and tried to take a sip, nothing came out. I spent another 15 minutes trying to understand why, and my boobs grew numb from the cold liquid swishing on top of them. Finally, you told me that I had to unlock my straw and soon I was guzzling seltzer out of what looked like my third arm. Not discreet at all — Victoria’s secret? More like Victoria’s giant “totally-not-noticeable” chin pimple.
Emery: YES! The tube is very, very long. Victoria may have many secrets, but this isn’t one of them. The product is branded as a way of sneaking wine in through your bra, but there’s no way somebody wouldn’t see the tube!
Danielle: So true. Not only was it difficult to drink after a while, but there was no equilibrium between the two boobs. Once one side was depleted, I had to “milk” myself to get liquid. This also led to a huge lopsided issue and thank god I was wearing a sweatshirt to hide the fact that I was indeed EXTREMELY lopsided.
Emery: The first night I wore it, as I sat on my couch gnawing at the mouthpiece like a CamelBak water bottle and realized that it became increasingly difficult to get water out. I also noticed that the pouch wasn’t empty yet. This is when I also realized that in order for it to work, the water had to be mostly on the side that the tube was on. There was lots of gentle squeezing of one boob pouch to get the water to the other side.
Danielle: Word. After wearing it at the office …
Emery: …. where we were both simultaneously drinking seltzer out of our respective boob pouches and came to the realization that our body heat was causing a warming effect, which made us come to the conclusion that red wine is best for this product — not a chilled white or anything else you may want colder.
Danielle: Right! And that night I went to test out a nice, cheap red wine … until I realized I had no wine in my apartment and couldn’t will myself off the couch long enough to grab some. So I used the next best thing: Capri Sun (The Cherry flavor which is obviously the most superior flavor)! My roommate took videos while I relaxed on the couch sipping my favorite non-juice juice drink and contemplating why I even went to college in the first place when I could’ve been doing this the past four years.
Emery: We came to a lot of other conclusions, as well, because this was for science. To start, I developed oral fixation with the mouthpiece. I literally could not stop biting it, and therefore drank SO MUCH WATER (which meant so much peeing) at a very rapid pace. This made me suspect that if it were actual wine, I would be hammered after 5 minutes. I will follow up on this hypothesis ASAP. Another conclusion we came to is that this is definitely the most fun way to hydrate, but definitely not the easiest or most discreet.
Danielle: If you wear it out, EVERYONE (and their mother) will know. You ain’t hiding your wine with this at all. BUT, if your workplace is a little quirky and doesn’t care about what you do with your undergarments and you want an somewhat easy/somewhat difficult way to stay hydrated, this bra is a keeper. But wear a large shirt or sweater unless you want people staring at your uneven boobs all day. Or just do it for the sound of mind.
Emery: Exactly. The Wine Rack is good for on your couch to be silly and fun, but bad for its intended use. Wearing it at a house party or a small gathering would definitely be a fun conversation starter, but wearing it to a bar would definitely get you kicked out for bringing in outside alcohol. Maybe if you wore a very large sweater it would work, but that tube is the size of an elephant trunk. Maybe it could double as a jump rope? Ah well, que sera sera!