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Ask Mom & Spawn: I’ve Been Dating an Older Man For Almost a Year … And He Still Sneaks into My House to Avoid My Family

Felicia wrote in because her 37-year-old boyfriend of almost a year still sneaks into her house when her family is asleep, hasn’t introduced her to his friends or family, only see’s her once a month, and they still haven’t gone on a real, public date. Now, she doesn’t know what to do.

“Hi mom and spawn!!! I’m 25 and I’ve been seeing this man (he’s 37) for about 7 or 8 months now, and we’re pretty serious. He’s a therapist and lives in sober living with his patients, so he can’t have visitors for confidentiality reasons. He manages the house to save for a potential condo for us. He also has almost 8 years of sobriety, and I have just over a year of sobriety.  I live at home with practically my whole family. That being said, in the beginning of our relationship he would come over so we could hang out. I have never ever been to his place or met his family and friends, and he still usually comes over to my house. At night. When everyone’s in bed. He STILL has yet to meet my family, and while he said he’s open to meeting them and taking me on dates it still has yet to happen. We both want to start a family, but I only see him about once a month when he has time after 12 hour work days. I adore this man and when we are together it’s electric, but my family is everything to me and their opinions and acceptance of my relationships mean a lot. What do I do?!

We haven’t gone on a date in public either.” – Felicia

@CrazyJewishMom: Felicia. Honey, my god. This man is not being honest with you. You see him once a month! For all you know, he could be living in another country with a wife and kids and flying in for booty calls with you!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, well that is elaborate and probably not true. Also, please never use the phrase booty call again.

@CrazyJewishMom: Probably isn’t definitely! That’s the point!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: So, I have a few thoughts. First, congratulations on your sobriety! I don’t know enough about the recovery process to speak intelligently about this, but I’ve seen enough episodes of “Intervention” to glean that there can be concerns when two people with a history of addiction/ dependency date? Again, I don’t know enough about it, but I think you should talk to your sponsor and/or a therapist about the pros and cons of dating someone who is also in recovery if you haven’t already.

@CrazyJewishMom: THAT IS THE LEAST OF THE PROBLEMS WITH THIS LIAR.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, yes I’m getting to my second point, which is basically that I agree with my mom. You’ve been dating the guy for almost a year, and you’ve never been out on a date, he’s never met your family, and you’ve never met his. Even with the most demanding job of all time, over the course of an eight month long relationship, a guy could find time to take you on a date and introduce you to family, or at least a single one of his friends. There’s just no rational excuse!  And he, *a 37-year-old-man*, sneaks into your family home while everyone else is asleep? The idea of a full grown adult who is approaching middle age doing this is at best incredibly creepy and actually quite disrespectful to your family. This kind of behavior is the sort of thing teenagers do! (Not speaking from personal experience, as I got zero action in high school!) On top of all that, it strikes me as extremely odd and honestly suspicious that you’re only seeing each other once a month, especially since it sounds like you live fairly close to one another. I could maybe brush all these concerns aside if you had only been dating for a few weeks, and you were working out the kinks, but there are a lot of red flags here in my view.

@CrazyJewishMom: Red flags?!? There are red hot dumpster fires with sirens blazing!!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay. So, the good news is, this is very easy to figure out definitively. Just don’t accept any more of his unfulfilled promises. Have an honest conversation with him. You can express that while you’re excited to discuss starting a family and moving in together, family and friends are important to you, and you need to meet his loved ones and vice versa to feel comfortable going forward. And don’t let him get away with saying he’s open to it, or that he’ll think about it. Set a time and schedule it right then. Putting it off any longer is just not fair to you or reasonable after this much time. And when you do meet his family and friends, I think you should confirm that he does in fact work where he says he does. You see him so infrequently, and I think it’s important to confirm that. You (sh)could also ask to visit him at work – just because you can’t stay over doesn’t mean you couldn’t stop by for lunch one day! And call the facility to ask them what their policy is on day visitors for staff, so you actually know before you even ask him.

@CrazyJewishMom: Let us know if you want us to run a background check on him!

 

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