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Ask Mom & Spawn: Is It Bad That I Fantasize about Other Men Who Aren’t My Long-Term Bf?

Rachael wrote in because she’s been with her loving and supporting partner for about 7 years and couldn’t be happier! But she also has recently started to fantasize about her new guy friend and wants to know if her lusty thoughts are normal. What do you think?

“Hi,

I’m writing to you two as I can’t speak to my friends or close family. I just need to know that I’m not making excuses for myself and that I’m doing the right thing.

I have been with my partner for 7 years. I’m 28 and he’s 33. I do not believe in ‘the one’ or that love is a magical fairytale. I had an intense long-term relationship when I was younger and we loved each other beyond comprehension, but it was a rollercoaster and I can’t deal with that emotional instability. I will not live that life.I would best describe my current relationship as fun and loving. We care about each other dearly, I feel safe with him, and we’ve worked hard to build a life together. We also bought a house and have done it up, we can make big decisions in life without fighting, and I cannot wait for the day we have a baby and I can make him a dad because he will be the best dad I could hope for anyone to be. I view the relationship as I choose to be with him. I have chosen our life together because it is good, fun and full of love. I feel comfortable, but I also don’t know if that feels like settling.

Anyway, the long and short of it is I met a guy whilst studying. We started as friends and then it just became this thing. We just have a connection together, and I would love nothing more than to just say f@#k it and jump in bed with him. I have lots of male friends and have met many men over the last 7 years and have only felt this urge with one other guy at work, but he’s in a different office with a wife and child. We flirt and it’s totally lust but I rarely see him so that is well under control, and I know it would never happen. It’s just this other guy lives 10 minutes away, and we live in the same city. Since I moved here for this job, we would have met each other eventually if I had come here single. He is a friend and I don’t have many in this city. We go to bars together maybe once a month, with mutual friends. We message each other, but if my other half were to read the messages I don’t think he would be fussed. I wouldn’t want to lose the friendship, but this want isn’t going away.

I just need to know that it is okay to have physical connections (basically lust) with people whilst in a long-term relationship. I choose to be in my relationship, and I will never cheat because I couldn’t bear hurting him that deeply. I am upset because I know how much he loves me, and although I would never know, I really don’t think he is struggling with a similar situation as I am. I guess I am just fantasising about being carefree and single again, and being able to be with whoever I choose without consequence.” – Rachael

@CrazyJewishMom: It’s fine to look at manmeat, but don’t taste!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: I don’t totally agree. First, I do think it’s natural to connect with someone and sometimes an attraction like the one you’ve described can happen! I think that’s normal – part of being a human!

@CrazyJewishMom: That’s exactly what I said!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Well, I guess I just wonder if this friendship with this guy is worth all the angst? This is a new dude you met relatively recently, and you’re clearly experiencing a LOT of inner turmoil if the length of your question to us is any guide. It’s not like this is a childhood friend who you have long standing friendship with.

@CrazyJewishMom: Well, so what?

@KateFriedmanSiegel: I guess my point is that you seem pretty consumed by it and worried enough that you wrote in to ask us if we think it’s appropriate/ might be a betrayal. You love your partner and you don’t want to hurt him. We all have inner lives and monologues that sometimes should even be kept from the ones we love and who love us most. Like, your partner is just fundamentally not going to be excited about hearing about your fantasy sexual lust for another guy. That doesn’t mean it’s not completely natural for you to feel those feelings in my opinion, it’s just not something anyone is going to want to hear. To that point, the fact that you have those feelings isn’t a betrayal, and you haven’t crossed the line physically, so it’s not “wrong” per se. That said, I think there’s something icky and not quite right about pursuing a friendship with someone who you lust after and who if your partner knew you were attracted to would probably be uncomfortable with.

@CrazyJewishMom: Oh, please! Just keep your hoohah in your pant suit and do what you want.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Maybe I’m overthinking it, but from the way you described it, this new friendship does not at all seem worth the anxiety and turmoil it’s causing you, all ickiness aside! Plus, you mentioned that you’re not sure if you feel like it’s “settling” to be with what sounds like a loving, supportive partner. Let me just warn you, the grass is always greener.

@CrazyJewishMom: You have what a lot of people want: a committed partner. DON’T FUCK IT UP FOR A FANTASY. Stop seeing the friend NOW.

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