Anonymous wrote in because she found out that her BF slept with another woman before they were official. Now, she doesn’t know if she can trust him and keeps looking through his messages, social media, etc. and found his Tinder profile. What should she do?
“I am a college instructor with one child. I love my job, but not necessarily where I live. I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 15 months, but we’ve only officially been together for about 5 months. I was well into what ended up being a two-year-long divorce process by the time we started seeing each other. He told me that he didn’t want to officially be my boyfriend until my divorce was final, but that he would not see or talk to other women. About 5 months in, I started suspecting that he was seeing someone else, so I asked him about it and he denied it. At this point we were seeing each other most weekends and even went on weekend trips together. On a weekend camping trip with his kids and extended family, he got a text from a woman whose name I had never heard before. So, after our camping trip was over, I found her on his Instagram friends list and friended her and told her I thought we might be seeing the same guy. She confirmed that she had gone out with him once and she had gotten very drunk, they slept together, and that he had sent her flowers one day while I was at his house. We both confronted him, and he and I quit speaking for about a month. We started talking again, and he said he didn’t want to lose me and that he wanted be exclusively with me, so I gave him another chance. Then, the day after my divorce was final, I accidentally friended a female Facebook friend of his and she told him. He got mad and quit talking to me for a couple of days. When we finally met up to talk about it, he said he just wasn’t sure if he could be in a relationship again. I didn’t know what he wanted. I told him I would wait if he agreed not to see other people. About 4 weeks later, he told me he was in love with me and asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. That was about 5 months ago. Things have been great, but I still don’t trust him. I spend a lot of time (too much) spying on his social media and looking for evidence that he is trustworthy. Every time he changes his routine at all, I become suspicious. Recently, I accidentally saw in his text messages, a text that included his “Tinder” code. I made a Tinder account with a fake profile photo and found him on there. His account has old profile pics and is linked to his Instagram account, which shows photos of the two of us together. I don’t know what to think, how to approach him, or whether to leave. We live several hours from each other and have been planning to move in together and I have been on a relentless job hunt in his neighborhood. I have no clue what to do and wish I had never seen that Tinder text. He is not stupid and shows me stuff on his phone and had given me his passwords to his electronic devices, so you would think he would have deleted the Tinder code message. After finding that, I combed through his texts and messenger messages and there is nothing else. I don’t want to be a psycho-stalker person, but I don’t know what to do. I love this man and his children, but I don’t want to move in with him and find out he is cheating. Help!!!” – Anonymous
@CrazyJewishMom: I smell a fuckboy!
@KateFriedmanSiegel: I’m not so sure, but there are definitely red flags.
@CrazyJewishMom: Tinder is sending him text messages! He is using a dating app! What are you talking about?
@KateFriedmanSiegel: So, that’s not necessarily definitive. For example, when you were catfishing for me on dating apps, even after I deleted some of the apps from your phone, people were still sending me screenshots of “my” profile. Plus, she said that the profile pictures she saw were old, so it might be inactive. I think that sometimes the apps keep users on after they’ve deleted it or stopped using it. If you really want to be sure, maybe there is a way to monitor activity on the app?
@CrazyJewishMom: It sounds fishy to me.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Regardless, I think this is a pretty classic dilemma of trust issues in the wake of a partner being unfaithful. I know you weren’t officially “together” when he slept with that other woman, but in my book that doesn’t matter. He told you he wasn’t sleeping with anyone but you, and then he fell dick first into someone else’s vagina and even sent the owner of that vagina flowers while you were in the room! That’s a violation of your trust. Period.
@CrazyJewishMom: Absolutely! Let’s cancel the move and find you some fresh manmeat!
@KateFriedmanSiegel: No no, I’m not saying that. It sounds like you have been trying to move past that violation of your trust, and questionable Tinder profile aside, it sounds like he’s trying to be open with you – giving you passwords, etc. Plus, you don’t have any direct evidence that he’s cheated on you or messed up again. That said, it sounds like you’re really struggling with rebuilding that trust. So, I think you have a few options in terms of trying to move past this, but it really all comes down to a simple question in my opinion: will you ever really be able to trust him again? And in answering that question, I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself, because come on! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life reading his text messages while he’s in the shower and worrying that he’s having an affair every time he makes an unexpected trip to the grocery store? If you genuinely think you can get there, then by all means go to couples therapy, work on your relationship, rebuild the trust! However, if you know deep down that you can’t trust him, then I think you need to think very carefully about uprooting your entire life and moving in with this guy.
@CrazyJewishMom: At LEAST go to therapy before you upend your entire life and move to another state for this guy.
Read Kate’s Book!
Need advice or have questions for @CrazyJewishMom & Spawn? Submit them via the form below for the advice column! AND follow us:
For qualified advice, please visit this website for resources.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, please visit this website for resources or call 1-800-799-7233.