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Ask Mom & Spawn: Can I Trust the Married Man I’m Dating?

Sara wrote in because the man she’s dating a married man, who is planning on leaving his wife. Her dilemma: Can she trust someone who broke his vows? She also had a boyfriend when she first started dating this man, but she recently broke it off. What do you think?

“I’ve gotten myself into a dilemma. I’ve been seeing a married man for 2 years. That’s problem number 1. It was never intentional, we met as friends and found out the relationships with our significant others was exactly the same. We were not happy, the only difference was that mine was boyfriend/girlfriend and his is husband/wife (Neither of us have children). We both have been with our significant others for 10 years and in both situations the friendship was there, but that’s it. “It’s like I have a roommate” – his words. Both of our significant others know about each other (Crazy, I know, but it’s true – we told them everything!). Since then, I have left my boyfriend and I’ve had time to realize that it was the best decision I could have made, that relationship was not healthy. Problem #2 is now he wants to leave his wife and he wants to be with me. I do care for him a lot, but I’m worried that if he was fine breaking his vows once, he do it again? We’ve discussed that if we got married I won’t let him continue this lifestyle that he’s had. He said the reason he strays is because he doesn’t have everything he needs, but he’s realized with me he has everything. He doesn’t look anymore and doesn’t want to. Do I believe these things? Is it possible that you can get it wrong the first time and it will be better the next time around?” – Sara

@KateFriedmanSiegel: No.

@CrazyJewishMom: I disagree. I think it may be possible. Sometimes you pick the wrong person and find happiness with someone later in your life. If he only cheated with you…sometimes people are meant to be together.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Bullshit. You know why that’s bullshit? It’s bullshit because if you’re meant to be together you can still do that without ruining the lives of two innocent people. In my opinion, the right thing to do is to break up with your partner before you cross the line with another person.

@CrazyJewishMom: That’s true.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Also, from the way you described his “lifestyle,” it doesn’t sound to me like he only cheated with you. If that’s the case, I think it’s even harder to believe that he would not violate your trust down the road. At the same time, I think the exact same questions about trust could be asked of you. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it’s unrealistic to expect the constant “I want to tear your clothes off in the middle of this public park” level of lust to last forever in any relationship. Yes, a healthy sex life is very important, but there are ebbs and flows. If it were a nonstop sex romp forever, no one would ever do their taxes or go to movies or museums. Not that anyone ever actually want to go museums.

@CrazyJewishMom: Stop talking about sex museums; what’s the point?

@KateFriedmanSiegel: The point is, to me it seems fair to ask both of you what would stop you from violating your partner’s trust down the road when you inevitably hit a sexual lull in your relationship. A commitment is about more than sexual chemistry. At the same time, I can understand feeling like you committed to the wrong person. Again, I just think you should have ended things with your partners if you wanted to explore another relationship.

@CrazyJewishMom: If you really want to try it; go to couples therapy with this guy and talk about trust! Things happen. It’s not impossible.

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