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Ask Mom & Spawn: TRIGGER WARNING: I Don’t Want to Go to Thanksgiving Because My Fiance’s Dad Sexually Assaulted Me

Emily wrote in because she loves her fiancé, but his dad sexually assaulted her the last time she went over for Thanksgiving. Now, she doesn’t know what to do.

“Hi Mom and spawn! I have been with my fiance for five amazing years, and I adore him. I did not believe in soulmates until I met him. The problem is my fiance’s dad. About eight months after we met, he invited me to his family home for Thanksgiving and to meet his whole family. I know, talk about pressure right?? Anyways, they were all wonderful and I felt very at home cooking and being silly with everybody. The day went on and his dad had too much whiskey. I could tell everyone was embarrassed, but I didn’t think too much about it it just seemed funny. After dinner everybody was watching a movie and I got up to use the bathroom down the hall from the living room and the kitchen area. When I finished and opened the door, his dad was stumbling down the hallway right next to the bathroom. He slammed me against he door and he was holding my wrist and rubbing his crotch against my leg. He was groping my breasts through my shirt and it was so hard it ripped off a button and he was licking my neck too. I froze for a minute I think but then I pushed him off me and he fell and kept stumbling down the hallway and I think he went to bed because i didn’t see him the rest of the night. He was so drunk I don’t think he remembers what happened. The next day it was like nothing happened and I’ve seen him at different family things since then and it has been ok. I’ve never gone back there for Thanksgiving because of what happened and that has been hard to explain to my fiance, because I am not close with my family so I have always said I had to work. Anyways, my fiance is really pushing to go this year because we are engaged now, and I don’t know what to do. We tell eachother everything but he is so close with his parents and his whole family and I don’t want to ruin that, so I never told him what happened. And he’s talked to me about how his dad has struggled with alcohol and also that he has stopped drinking completely two years ago. I still don’t feel safe and I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to ruin my fiance’s relationship with his dad, especially if his dad doesn’t even remember what happened and doesn’t drink anymore. What do you think I should do? – Emily”

If you or anyone you know has been, or is, a victim of sexual assault, please reach out to the Sexual Assault Hotline for more help or call, 1-800-656-4673.

@CrazyJewishMom: You should take a gallon of pure alcohol, dump it over the dad’s head, and set him on fire.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: I mean, no, but I understand the impulse. Emily, I’m so incredibly sorry that happened to you. First, I want to encourage you to talk to a therapist about this. As much as we want to help and we can give you our opinions, we are in no way qualified to know what the best way to approach this would be. I go to therapy, my mom goes to therapy, it’s not something that should be stigmatized, and I genuinely believe that a good therapist can help you work through this.

@CrazyJewishMom: I agree. I love therapy.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: That being said, I don’t think their father-son relationship is your responsibility, and I certainly don’t think you should for one second put yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe. My gut reaction is that you should make up an excuse for why you can’t go this year and then figure out a long term plan. I do think you will probably need to communicate this to your fiance at some point, and I think a therapist can work with you on the best way to do that. You’re going to marry this person, so you won’t be able to sidestep family gatherings forever, and you absolutely shouldn’t have to quietly suffer through them in fear for the rest of your life.

@CrazyJewishMom: Fuck that. I want to waterboard this asshole with used embalming fluid.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: And one more thing, the fact that he was drunk and possibly doesn’t remember in no way makes it okay or excusable. And just because he is sober now, doesn’t mean it’s your job to stay quiet and live in isolation with what happened.

If you or anyone you know has been, or is, a victim of sexual assault, please reach out to the Sexual Assault Hotline for more help or call, 1-800-656-4673.


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