We followed up with Karly for this week’s #WhatTheHellHappened, who wrote in because while her and her boyfriend of six years were busy planning their wedding, she developed a huge crush on a man during a work trip. She then had doubts about her impending marriage! We had some thoughts, ranging from “Of course, someone you’ve known for six years, someone you’ve fought with, someone you’ve probably even allowed to look on as you tweeze ingrown armpit hairs (just me?), is going to feel less exciting than bantering with a mysterious new island man” to “if you’re bored in the bedroom, you buy a sex toy, you don’t throw your life away for a little casual vacation sex” Either way, my mom and I agreed that this mystery man wasn’t worth it.
So, #WhatTheHellHappened? Here’s a refresher on Karly’s original story, and an update from her below!
“I have been with a great guy for the last six years, a steady stable relationship. We got engaged last fall and we have been full blown wedding planning for months, until I had to travel for work. Here I met a guy who I had no idea was actually my ideal guy. While I’m not concerned about picking between two guys, I am concerned that this crush has made me realize that my fiancé is a great guy- but he’s rather boring and our sex life leaves me unfulfilled. I plan to talk to him about these issues (some of them for a second or third time) when I return from the work trip, but in the meantime I am left very confused. If my relationship with him doesn’t change, I can’t see the relationship lasting for many years now that I am painfully aware of just how complacent I had become in our relationship. Am I being swept up in a tropical fling or should I really be giving this marriage some serious thought before we continue ahead!” – Karly
So, #WhatTheHellHappened to her?
So to clarify, I never acted on any of the feelings I was having. The other guy and I did talk about our attraction but I told him I needed to be able to talk with my fiancé and give us a chance to work to fix some of things in our relationship, and that it was NOT about being with him or staying with my fiancé, that it was about these feelings and the subsequent panic that made me realize I wasn’t as happy as I’d thought.
A day or two before I was supposed to return home I spoke with my fiancé a little bit and just started mentioning some things I was thinking about. Before I could get to much he told me he had been thinking while I was gone that he had been very selfish lately, always doing whatever he wanted to do and complaining when I asked him to do something I wanted to do for once. This is part of where I had become too complacent. I was sacrificing my own happiness in small minor ways every day. The fact that he acknowledged this first brought me a lot of peace- I was dreading talking with him because in the past he has agreed to change or work with me but then stops trying when I stop nagging.
I came home and did tell him about the feelings I had, the things I realized because of those feelings and opened the door to talk with him about any of it. We agreed to pause wedding planning for a week or so, just so we could have time to process and decide what was going to make the most sense. We continued on with life and I saw the effort he was putting in to the relationship very clearly.
Well, I felt like I had seen enough to remember why I fell in love with him and to really feel connected to him. Is everything magically perfect now? Absolutely not. We are still working on our sex life, because despite my collection of toys, I would still rather have lots of hot sex with him and he is still much less adventurous. That being said I do see him making an effort and I know I’m making an effort to be more open with him. There is no one else I want to pick ingrown hairs with for the rest of my life. (Soooo not just you!) He has been by my side through quite a bit, always there to help me whenever he can. I’m very lucky to have him. Honestly your advice told me what I already knew. Maybe it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear.
As for the other guy, I do still talk to him, though strictly as friends. I also started to realize quickly after reaching out to you that we were less romantically compatible that I thought. He has been very respectful and happy for me that I was able to resolve things with my fiancé, and I’m happy we’ve been able to stay friends. Thanks for your advice!
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Oh, I teared up reading this – so incredibly sweet! I’m so glad to hear that things are going so well for you guys! It really sounds like you handled the situation with a great deal of mutual respect and maturity, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. May it be full of love and minimal ingrowns.
@CrazyJewishMom: Congratulations! And it never hurts to greet him fully naked once in a while if you’re trying to spice things up in the bedroom!
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