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#WhatTheHellHappened: To The Polyamorous Woman with the Monogamous BF – Part II

This week is even more exciting than usual because we have a follow-up to a follow-up! Remember Jasmine? The woman who was polyamorous but her boyfriend wasn’t? Well, originally she wrote in because her boyfriend couldn’t understand and accept her polyamorous lifestyle. We originally told her to try to see if her boyfriend would try her lifestyle, but if he couldn’t accept it and she couldn’t be monogamous, they should go their separate ways. When she wrote in the second time, their lives were totally upside down and she ended up cheating on him. My mother had some thoughts: “JASMINE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BREAK UP WITH THIS GUY, AND PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY!!!!” – which I wholeheartedly agreed with.

So, #WhatTheHellHappened? Here’s a refresher on Jasmine’s original story, and an update from her below!

“Hey guys, my boyfriend and I have lived together for well over a year. We were talking about getting engaged, and everything was perfect. Then, an issue that kills all my relationships popped up again. I’m polyamorous. He’s not. Now, on our first date I told him I didn’t want to be serious because this is how I am, and that I won’t change it for him. Now that it’s actually brought to his attention, he says he hadn’t understood what I meant. We do so much for and with each other, we’re very much a team. However we know that if we can’t find a way to make this work, we may have to break up before it causes much more pain. So, please, if you guys can think of a good compromise that may work for us, I’d love to hear it. I’m almost at my wit’s end.” – Jasmine

And her first update:

“A lot has happened. Well, shortly after I wrote in, LIFE got in the way of dealing with monogamy vs polyamory. Between the two of us, we had four close family members pass away, and even one distant family member. We both had so much to grieve. I’d never had a death this close in the family before, and I lost my grandma, my best friend. We went to his family funerals and what not, and asked him to come to mine. He politely declined, as he didn’t want to miss work and my family lives out of state. This hurt, but I understood. Shortly after, however, I asked for some help getting home (I didn’t have a car) and he told me what a huge inconvenience a four hour drive was on his day off. I was furious and heartbroken.

I handled it completely the wrong way, and I cheated on him. He still doesn’t know. When I got home (with help from my closest friend, who also talked me out of leaving him), we talked things through and he apologized, crying, admitting he hadn’t been working through his own pain of losing family. We worked things out and moved on with our lives.

Finally, I put more pressure on him about being poly. He told me he didn’t want to seriously discuss it until we were engaged, so I waited. Flashforward a few months, and we had been talking about it so much we just decided to go out and buy a ring and call it done. We talk about my being poly, and he consented to letting me start talking to someone outside of our relationship, and I just stepped up the relationship I’d already continued with the man I cheated with. At one point, my now fiance had a breakdown and admitted he can’t stand it anymore, and doesn’t want me seeing anyone else. Again, crying. How can I say no? Except, I realise I’m in trouble. Two issues have now come up. One, I was so happy being myself, and was loathe to stop. Two, I’ve now also fallen for Man 2.

I once again handled everything horribly and have continued seeing Man 2, despite my agreement with my fiance. I’m so torn up and angry. I know the best thing to do would be to leave my fiance or at least be honest with him, but he’s a very sensitive man and I’m afraid it would destroy him if he found out. This man flat out told me he’d rather I cheated on him than left him. I also know that I’ve taken this from him being the one at fault to this wholly being on me. Man 2 is aware of everything and doesn’t care. He doesn’t match my feelings, and has never expressed a desire to be together or for me to leave my fiance. Somehow, this hurts worse.

I’ve just gone and made everything worse, and I don’t know what to do. I love this life I have, I’m madly in love with my fiance and our future together would be rocky, but beautiful. Thank you guys for your candid advice.” – Jasmine

So, #WhatTheHellHappened to her?

“After I last wrote, I knew I should listen to y’all and leave him. I talked to my best friend and finally told her everything, and she agreed I should leave him. When I thought over our relationship, I realized that I loved what we had built together more than him, and that I knew it was coming to this. We tried one last time to be poly, and I met someone wonderful who encouraged me to read a book called “The Ethical Slut” which goes over an incredible introduction to polyamory. My partner and I ended up breaking up, and despite our original agreement to wait until after the holidays, he asked me to move out before Thanksgiving! I had nowhere to go, and ended up moving in with the man I’d only known for a few months. I’ve now moved everything in, my cat has settled in happily with his, and life is moving forward again. Now, my parents know I’m poly, and I’m actively living the lifestyle that I needed. This past year has been tumultuous at best. Than you both so much for your encouragement and willingness to broach such a divisive topic.” -Jasmine

@KateFriedmanSiegel: I’m so glad you’ve closed that chapter of your life and are moving forward. I wish you all the best in your future!

@CrazyJewishMom: I’m happy for you too, honey. Now, for the love of G-d in the future DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH STRICTLY MONOGAMOUS PEOPLE!


Want more advice from @CrazyJewishMom & Spawn? Listen to our podcast here, and tune in every week Sunday at 5 PM ET on the @AskMomAndSpawn Instagram page for our live advice/ podcast recording sessions! We might just answer your question live!

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