*WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD*
Welcome to the
most dramatic season dullest season of The Bachelor yet! I think it’s pretty clear that this season of America’s most popular dating show has many die-hard bachelor fans yawning and throwing metaphorical tomatoes at the screen (which reminds me: Please consider donating to my tomato drive. I’m running low). Trust me, nobody is more disappointed about this than I am. My Monday nights, which were once packed with passion, tears, and ~romance~ have now been replaced with “well Bethany said that you’re not ready for marriage and I trust her.” Colton, my dude: Women NEVER respond well to that. Ever.
I feel cheated. I feel blindsided. But am I still watching? You bet.
Since I’m a loyal, doting fan who is not not going to watch every episode of this series and any spin-offs ever produced, I decided I needed to multitask during this garbage season, so Mondays wouldn’t be a total waste. I’m a busy woman, and life has to happen whether or not Colton jumps over that fence. So, if any of you are busy as well and want to make these hours spent watching a literal man-baby figure out his “love life” more productive, here are some things you can do while you hate-watch this season of The Bachelor.
1.) Marie Kondo Your Room
Everybody is doing it, and now you have the perfect opportunity to clean out your closet (but do NOT throw out that old theatre tee shirt from high school. You’re definitely going to need that) while Colton tries to figure out which women spark joy for him. And then when you’re done, go online shopping. You just got rid of so many things! It’s fine, you deserve it!
2.) Respond To A Text From The Person You’ve Been Avoiding
You almost forgot about Josh! Can’t make him think you’re not interested (even though you aren’t). Craft a beautiful excuse via text as to why you’re too busy to hang out this week while Colton and Cassie get dropped off on
desert island glorified sandbar to make out. You listen through one ear to the sound of the ocean and look up to see them embracing. Wow. That looks nice. Maybe you should hang out with Josh … wait, no. Send that text.
3.) Cook An Elaborate Meal
Have you ever flambéd something? Now is your chance! Perfect your egg-poaching or steak-searing skills while Colton finds out if Jessica…wait what’s her name again?…Hannah (?) is there for the right reasons! May your meal looks as beautiful as the ones Colton and his date always sit in front of, but never eat.
4.) Do Your Taxes
They have to get done! And what better time to do them than while Colton loses his virginity on national television (P.S. WHY are we making such a big deal out of virginity? I have questions, but that’s for a different article)? Have a great time going through all your bank statements from the last year while you faintly hear Colton tell his father that he’s NOT in love with the woman he brought home to meet his whole family. Yikes.
5.) Write Your Memoir
There is no better time to write down the story of your life than now. Literally, no better time. Think back on those formative stories that made you who you are today while Colton misuses “you’re” and “your” (okay, he didn’t do this yet but I’m SURE he’s the kind of person who gets his grammar wrong!).
6.) Learn All The Words To “We Didn’t Start The Fire”
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Colton started the fire.
7.) Try To Become Left Handed
Or right handed, if you’re already a lefty. Get learning while Colton ruins Monday nights for everyone! I can attest to this on a personal level, as I typed this entire article with my toes while watching The Bachelor this past Monday. This is my true story.
With these tips on how to stay busy during the most boring night of the week, you’ll for sure feel like a more productive person. Instead of letting this season ruin all your Monday nights, let it encourage you to get your life together. Because we should all be ambidextrous, organized winners with their taxes filed.