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Ask Mom & Spawn: My Partner Is Perfect … but He Also Doesn’t Want to Get Married.

Beth wrote in because she loves her partner and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. He’s perfect for her. But there’s a catch, unfortunately. He doesn’t want to get married! What should she do?

“I’ve been with my partner for 6 years now and he is everything I ever wanted. I went through a series of bad partners before him, and I feel like I have finally found the one. We have two children. One is from a previous fling before him, but we met when my daughter was 16 months and has been a second dad to her since then. We also have our other daughter together who is the light of our life. The relationship with the father of my first daughter is amazing and she sees him every other weekend. We also all hang out together as friends; it really is the dream set up. My current partner is a dream and the man I always waited for. He’s my perfect forever. But there’s always a catch: I want to get married and my partner doesn’t. I thought I could be ok with not getting married, given I have everything else a person could ever want, but I still in the back of my mind dream of being a princess being walked down the aisle to the love of my life. I am not concerned about the ceremony, just sharing the sentiment. I have mentioned to him that marriage is something I always wanted and he said it will be in the cards but it hasn’t turned into anything. My dad died recently and I’d always dreamed of him walking me down the aisle but without that I don’t see the point of a big ceremony. I want to marry my partner because I love him and think he will be my forever person. I’m just scared or not sure if he will ask me. What do you think? -Beth”

@CrazyJewishMom: Not sure if he’ll ask you? Beth! Honey! Strap on your big girl pantsuit and ASK HIM!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: First of all, I’m really sorry for your loss. I hope you’re hanging in there. It sounds like you’ve built a beautiful life with your partner, and I’m sure your dad knew how happy you are. To your question, I don’t know that you need to immediately drop to a knee and propose to him as my mom has suggested. However, I do think you should consider revisiting the conversation surrounding marriage with your partner in a more serious way. I know he started out not wanting to get married at all, but you’ve said that he’s seemed more open to it recently. He might not actually know how important it is to you since you went along with the idea of marriage being off the table earlier in the relationship.

@CrazyJewishMom: Blah Blah Blah. Six years and no ring is worse than my daughter. Take the hint. This guy is anti-marriage. Maybe relax and be happy that he is a good dad and partner. Zebras don’t change their stripes.

@KateFriedmanSiegel:  I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Beth, I think you should just be honest about how you’re feeling and explain why marriage is important to you. It sounds like you are both committed to the relationship and to a shared future, so it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Even if marriage is something that he hasn’t wanted to do in the past, part of being in a relationship is compromising with your partner. Just based on the way you’ve described his reaction to your mention of marriage, I don’t think this will even be that difficult of a conversation. Just have the talk in a straightforward way, be clear about what you want, and ask openly if it’s something he would be willing to do because it’s important to you.

@CrazyJewishMom: Look at his actions. Accept him or say goodbye to the relationship. This guy is not going to suddenly sweep you off your feet and marry you. This isn’t going to be a Hollywood ending.

@KateFriedmanSiegel:  Well, as much as it sounds to me like he’s pretty open to the idea of marriage, I obviously don’t have much insight into the nuances of a six year partnership from reading just a few paragraphs that you’ve sent. So, in this conversation, I think you need to also prepare yourself for the possibility that he might actually not be open to marriage at all. If that’s the case, you need to decide if you can be okay with a committed relationship that doesn’t involve getting married.

@CrazyJewishMom: Normally I’d say no ring on the finger, you must not linger! But you’ve got a family built.


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