Iris wrote in because her the guy she’s been talking to on-again and off-again wants to have a baby with her. The problem? She doesn’t know if he will be there for her when the baby comes. What do you think?
“The guy I’ve been talking to on and off for three years wants to have children with me. He doesn’t mention marriage and when asked he says of course it’s assumed. The issue in our relationship are the times he goes radio silent on me, days, weeks and months sometimes pass. I know he’s in the military and his hours are chaotic. But we rarely see each other. Which makes me hesitant on having his child. He says he will be there but his words are not the same from his actions. We have a great time we talk we laugh the connection is right but, I’m afraid of his lack of commitment and the radio silence. I don’t know what to do.” – Iris
@CrazyJewishMom: Iris. Honey. Read what you just wrote us back to yourself out loud and then imagine it’s your friend asking you for this advice on this?. What would you tell her to do? YOU WOULD TELL HER TO RUN.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: While I have the utmost much respect for his choice to serve in the military, that doesn’t make his absences impact your life any differently. You have to think about what your life will look like with this man and even more importantly what the dynamic will look like for your family. What strikes me as worrying about the situation isn’t the fact that he “goes radio silent” on you, what worries me is that it’s not something you’re expecting. If his schedule is chaotic to the point that he literally cannot send you a text message for a full month, that seems like something you guys should have talked about and he should have prepared you for in advance. All of that being said, I admittedly have absolutely no insight into how challenging it might be to communicate with a partner serving in the military, but it seems difficult to fathom that in 2019 with all the technology we have at our fingertips that he wouldn’t be able to communicate with you for a full month.
@CrazyJewishMom: Enough with this. Iris, the bottom line is my spawn’s first point. You don’t feel like you’re getting what you need from the guy. The last thing in the world you need to do is have a baby with him!
@KateFriedmanSiegel: If you really love him, I think you should have a frank conversation and tell him what you need from him in the relationship before you consider starting a family. If marriage is assumed as he suggests, then great! Tell him to propose or propose to him if you’re ready for that. If his work prevents him from communicating with you and seeing you, that’s not necessarily a deal breaker, but you should never be blindsided by his absences. You guys should establish expectations for how frequently you’ll be able to communicate.
@CrazyJewishMom: Yeah, and you need to make sure he gives you a damn good explanation for why the hell he can’t call you for a whole month! Maybe my spawn’s right and it’s a military thing, but make sure he’s not just a fuckboy stringing you along.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: I agree; you definitely deserve transparency into that. And I also think you have to talk about what your future looks like! Is he always going to be serving in this capacity, where he’ll have to be so absent from your life? If not, when will that change and what will your shared life look like then? If it’s always going to be like this, you need to do some soul searching and decide if that’s enough for you.
@CrazyJewishMom: RUN if that’s how it’s going to be. Trust me, you don’t want to be changing diapers at 4 am every night by yourself.
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