In this week’s #WhatTheHellHappened, we caught up with Janz, who originally wrote in because she thought her boyfriend was the one … until he started to defend Kavanaugh during the hearings. To that, my mom responded: “I wish I could tell you to castrate him, but if we castrated all the men who handled Kavanaugh in a way that made their girlfriends and wives want to beat them with a sack of quarters, there would not be many men with intact testicles.” Both of us agreed that Janz needed to sit down with her BF during a moment of calm and explain why she is so distressed over what’s happening. We also listed all the things we do to keep ourselves safe from sexual assault because that’s just reality for women everywhere.
So, #WhatTheHellHappened? Here’s a refresher on Janz’s original story, and an update from her below!
“I love my boyfriend, and I’ve never questioned him being the one for me until recently. I DETEST Trump and the bullshit he is putting our country through, and the Kavanaugh hearings sent me over the edge. I thought my boyfriend would understand why this experience is upsetting for women, but he was completely dismissive and defended what happened. We never argue unless it’s about politics, it’s actually our only sticking point. His response to this entire ordeal has made me question his values and morals. It makes me wonder if he really respects me as much as he says he does, or if I’m just “good wife material”. It’s so hard for me to understand anyone who still thinks Trump is a good man, especially after he mocked a sexual assault victim. MY boyfriend is so kind, but when he defends these assholes, how can I trust him? How do I deal with this in my relationship? Please help.” – Janz
So, #WhatTheHellHappened to her?
Thank you so much for your advice. It gave me a lot to think about, and it was so nice to hear that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
My boyfriend and I had a really good conversation about why we feel the way we feel. We realized we had been so wrapped up in seeing things from our own viewpoint that we blocked how how it would feel for the other person. He explained that he puts himself in the male role, so he can’t imagine the sexual assault being true, because he personally wouldn’t do anything like that. If he had been accused, he would be upset, so he in turn was upset about the hearings. I then explained how this feels like it is just another example of how men are protected and listened to more than women. And how less than 8% of sexual assault accusations are actually false.
We’ve become much more communicative since this incident. We’ll sometimes try to explain it from the other’s point of view, just to gain some more perspective. We make sure to ask why the other feels a certain way, instead of assuming why (i.e. he feels like he personally was accused, versus me assuming he was dismissing women). We also focus more now on solutions to issues, instead of the issues themselves. We’ve realized we actually see all the same issues in the system, but we have different ideas for solutions to them… like the political parties… which made us have an epiphany: we were bringing the polarization problem the country has been seeing into our relationship. So we decided to take our own advice and talk everything through and compromise, even when it’s hard and we don’t want to.
We made sure we have the same values and goals, and I feel like our relationship is stronger than ever… so strong, in fact, he asked me to marry him, and we are now planning for our wedding next year. *woot woot*
I hope this helps anyone struggling in or second-guessing their relationship. Just be honest with how you feel, and make sure you’re getting everything you need in a relationship. Nothing will ever get better without talking about it!
Thanks Mom & Spawn, you really helped me deal with this issue and have a positive outcome from it!
@KateFriedmanSiegel: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Also, welcome to hell (wedding planning). I think it’s fantastic that you guys were able to move past your political differences. Truly, this is an incredibly hopeful outcome at a time where these very sorts of divisions feel pretty hopeless.
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