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Ask Mom & Spawn: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Put a Ring on It!

Courtney wrote in because she’s been seeing this amazing guy for the last two months and all her friends love him…and he is even talking kids! The problem? He doesn’t want to get married. Courtney doesn’t know if she should “waste her time” or cut it off. What do you think?

“I’ve been seeing this guy for about a two months now. He’s wonderful in every way; he’s so so respectful, generous, kind, funny and so much more. He came to my friend’s party last week and every single one of my friends, at some point in the night pulled me aside to tell them how much they love him for me (they have seen who I have dated before and know how bad my previous dating track record is.) At one point during the party he told my friends how he wanted to have kids one day with me and all these great things for the future. The only flaw is that he doesn’t want marriage in his future. He says he doesn’t understand the idea of it or why it’s necessary. I’m not asking for a ring today, tomorrow or even in 10 years…I just know it’s something I want someday. Do you think he’s still worth pursuing for the long term or not? I’m tired of lowering my standards/wants in a relationship and I don’t know if maybe he’ll change his mind. Thank youuuu.” — Courtney (Tired of wasting time)

@CrazyJewishMom: No ring on the finger, you must not linger! You’re right to be tired of wasting time. Your time is the most precious thing you have in this world. Don’t waste it on some loser who’s never going to give you what you want.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Nope, you’ve been dating for two months. Everybody calm down.

@CrazyJewishMom: I’m telling you, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak! Get away from this commitment-phobe while you still can!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Okay, breathe mother. Courtney, I think it’s very important to be on the same page about marriage and your expectations for that, and I totally agree that you shouldn’t be lowering your standards or accepting less than exactly what you want for the future for the sake of being in a relationship. All I’m saying is YOU HAVE BEEN DATING FOR LESS TIME THAN A BAG OF MIXED GREENS I HAVE IN MY REFRIGERATOR RIGHT NOW (which I should admittedly throw out). But my point is, “I don’t ever want to get married” is something people say for a lot of reasons. And yes, the reason in his case could absolutely be that he truly doesn’t want to get married, but it could also be a reaction to coming off a bad relationship, or maybe he watched his parents get divorced and that left him sour on the idea. I think you can give it a little more time, and get a better sense of what he means.

@CrazyJewishMom: He said he never wants to get married. He means he never wants to get married. What’s there figure out here?

@KateFriedmanSiegel: I just think it’s worth having a couple conversations in which you try to understand why he feels the way he does about it and express that marriage is very important to you. I know this is a tricky conversation at the beginning of a relationship, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable since it’s clearly something he’s already talked about. In any relationship you make compromises, so even if marriage is not something he initially thinks is a good idea, it’s entirely possible that he might be open to it if it’s a deal breaker for the woman he loves. So ask him!

@CrazyJewishMom: Fine. But don’t waste any more time if he says no. You already know you definitely want to get married, so don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t want the same things you do.

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