In this week’s column, “Tired of waiting” wrote in because her boyfriend of 5 years and baby daddy seemingly refuses to get married. He claims it’s because they can’t afford it … but yet he buys new snowmobiles and takes vacations to Mexico without her. Should she wait for him and hope that he changes his mind, or should she give up and move on?
“Hey Mom and Spawn, I’ve been wrestling with this for almost a year now and can’t seem to come to a conclusion: here’s hoping you can help! My BF and I have been together for 5 years. We have a (soon-to-be) 3 year-old son together. I have made it CRYSTAL clear I want to get married and have more children. But after 2 years of bringing it up, neither has happened. I do everything for this man: 95% of house chores (laundry, groceries, dinner, his lunches etc) and child rearing. Plus I work and go to the gym on a daily basis – all without compromising my time at home with him and our kid. Then when marriage/more kids comes up we “don’t have the money”…. but he can buy a new snowmobile? Go to Mexico with his friends? Renovate the kitchen? Look into buying a new truck? Ummm WTF. Is money an excuse? Am I hoping for something that isn’t going to happen? I love him and I believe he loves me, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s enough anymore….” – Tired of waiting
@CrazyJewishMom: NEWSFLASH: THIS ISN’T ABOUT THE MONEY. If it were just about getting married the two of you could go to city hall and be done in with it.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, also you are a superhero. It’s a miracle if I remember to get our groceries delivered, and I have zero children and work from home.
@CrazyJewishMom: In any other circumstance, I’d say RUN. Free yourself from this lazy manchild. You have a kid together though, so it’s more complicated, and you have to do what’s best for your son. And that very well could be separating! Sometimes that is the best case scenario for everyone involved, but the bottom line is, you can’t just make decisions about your fate as a couple without considering your son. Though it really sounds more like you’re a single mom with two immature babies to care for than a woman in a healthy adult relationship with a partner who values you.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Very much agree. And to that point, every couple figures out their own balance of physical and emotional labor (chores, scheduling, etc) that works for them, but from the way that you’ve described it, it doesn’t seem like a very fair setup. More importantly though, it doesn’t seem like YOU are comfortable taking on “95% of house chores.” Again, every couple finds their own sweet spot with this stuff, but all questions of marriage aside, I think you should revisit how you’re splitting the emotional labor in your household, because it seems to be seeding feelings of resentment in you (and also, in my personal opinion is not at all fair).
@CrazyJewishMom: He wants clean underwear? Let him wash his own skid marks out of his tighty whities.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Now, back to your question regarding marriage and kids. You say you’ve made it very clear that you want to get married, but obviously I don’t know the nuances of how you’ve communicated that to him. I think if marriage is important to you (and you’re sure you want it with him), don’t just hint at it and tell him you want it, just flat out say that you need that commitment now.
@CrazyJewishMom: It’s 2019. Propose to him.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, that’s fair. Also, just to reiterate what my mom said previously, you don’t have to have a big fancy wedding that bankrupts you (or drains your kitchen renovation fund)! Do something small and take the money concerns off the table. A wedding and marriage are two distinct things, and you can enter into a marriage without an elaborate, expensive wedding. And when it comes to kids, you need to have a frank conversation about priorities. All of the things you voiced about vacations and new cars are valid things to bring up with him. You need to have an honest conversation about your vision for your future family, get on the same page, and then make and execute a financial plan to make it happen.
@CrazyJewishMom: Just sit him down and tell him, you want to get married now, and to cut it out with the excuses. And stop feeding him. He’s an adult man, he can feed himself.
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