“A little broken” wrote in because she recently got back together with her ex-fiancé … but he’s keeping secrets about their time apart while judging her for what she did. Now, she doesn’t know what to do.
“Hi mom and spawn, could really use your invaluable advice here! I recently got back together with my ex-fiance after we broke up a few months ago. The break up destroyed me and I missed him immensely, I felt totally lost without him all this time. We broke up with a variety of reasons although he seems to be convinced that it was all my fault. I accept much of it was – but come on!
Anyway, I feel like he is not being completely honest with me about the time we weren’t together. He was very keen to know whether I had been on dates or kissed anyone and was really upset to learn that I had kissed one guy (when we were not together). However, he told me he had been out with a couple of girls, and apparently it didn’t go anywhere but “he doesn’t kiss and tell”. Double standard much?! I feel like there is more there and he is not being honest with me, like one girl specifically that I asked if he had taken her out (she is now a friend) and he said he hadn’t but I know it’s not true. I was very naughty and looked at his messages (I know, I know..), but it now left me wondering how much more he is hiding from me and why! This is after I know he lied about being on dating apps when we initially reconnected and then he deleted them in front of me when I got upset. I can’t tell him I looked at his messages, and honestly I don’t know what to do. Can I trust him going forward if I already know he is not being truthful? How can I confront him without admitting to spying? I just want us to be open and honest, we will have enough obstacles in getting our lives on track with getting back together that I don’t want this too! Please help!” -A little broken
@KimFriedmanNYC: JUST OVARY UP AND CONFRONT HIM. But DON’T tell him u read his phone. None of his business. My G-d, you’re planning to marry this guy. You’re engaged? So, you have every right to say you are suspicious and uncomfortable with his new “friend” around and needing to be on the same page about being exclusive.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, so two things come to mind for me. Ideally you would trust him and not feel the need to look, but you followed your instinct and you found something. Ultimately, snooping is not that big of a deal, and I think that you need to have an open conversation about this, especially since you’re trying to move forward with him. If you’re not comfortable with him being friends with someone he went out with, then just tell him you looked at his phone, and you’re not comfortable with their friendship going forward. Now, in terms of WHY he’s lying about it – he obviously knows it would make you uncomfortable. All of this said, I think you have to let go of what happened while you guys weren’t together. Definitely a double standard that he wants to know everything about what you did while you were broken up but isn’t interested in sharing what he did, but at the end of the day, you were broken up. Whatever happened during that time is really not relevant, because neither of you were in a committed relationship.
@KimFriedmanNYC: Do not tell him you spied on his phone. Spawn, some secrets are ok. But, This guy has no right to be upset that you made out with someone. YOU. WERE. NOT. TOGETHER. Period. Tell him to get over it, and you need to move on too. Let go of what happened while you were broken up.
@KateFriedmanSiegel: Ultimately, if you want to move forward with him, you have to get the trust back, I think the only way to do that is to rip off the band aid, tell him what you saw, and have a conversation about moving forward with honesty. That said, I do agree with my mom about letting it go – you both need to let go of and stop rehashing what happened when you weren’t together. Couples therapy can always be helpful. You said there are other issues and obstacles you two have, so it might be a good idea to work through things in therapy.
@KimFriedmanNYC: Therapy is always a good idea!! But don’t listen to my Spawn. Move on from the past, but DO NOT TELL HIM YOU SPIED. Just chalk it up to women’s intuition.
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