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Ask Mom & Spawn: My “Quasi-boyfriend” Won’t Commit

Anya wrote in because the guy she’s hooking up with/quasi-dating doesn’t seem to want to commit … even after saying he loved her. What should she do?

“I have been hooking up with/quasi-dating a friend from work for almost a year. We work together, so that obviously creates a bit of complication in terms of furthering the friendship. We both definitely have feelings for each other. He repeatedly tells me he likes me, we spend multiple nights a week together, have met each other’s friends, and he even told me he loved me once. However, I have brought up taking things to the next level, and he does not seem interested in this. I don’t think he’s seeing other people (we’ve established that we are not sleeping with other people). I just get that he’s stubborn, comes from a rough upbringing, and doesn’t want to commit. I definitely accommodate his lifestyle more than he does for mine. And it bothers me. I’m wondering if I should keep this going, or abandon ship? We basically act like we are dating without putting a label on it. Should I continue to try and make something out of this, or should I move on? I really do like him and would like to see if we could make this work.” -Anya R.

@KimFriedmanNYC: Anya, it was time to “abandon ship” eight months ago. The ship is now sinking and also on fire. Don’t waste one more second on this commitment-phobic PHIL. You’re making all these excuses for him – ‘he’s stubborn,’ ‘his family is tough,’ ‘you’re basically dating anyway,’ blah blah blah. You can talk all you want, but the bottom line doesn’t change: he isn’t taking you seriously. Period. It’s been a year. Grab a lifevest and swim for shore. And for the record, next time don’t get your meat where you get your bread and butter.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, I hate to agree with my mother, but I think it’s time to let this go. You’ve been seeing each other for a year, and you’re not even 100% sure he isn’t going on dates with other people? This guy isn’t showing you the respect you deserve. He knows you want to be more serious, and unfortunately you can’t force him to want that too. You guys are well past the reasonable window for this kind of uncertainty. If you had only been seeing each other for a few months and hadn’t talked about commitment, it might make sense to see where it goes. But even more importantly, you clearly aren’t happy with the status quo – while you might enjoy his company and have good chemistry with this guy in the moment, it doesn’t sound like that is enough for you/ what you actually want. A year into seeing someone, you shouldn’t have to wonder if he’s ever even going to want to “label it” if commitment is something you want. And to my mom’s point, the idea that he’s unwilling to call you his girlfriend after a year of hooking up and intimacy because you work together and he has mommy issues is just silly and totally unfair to you! People work together and date; it’s harder and can get extremely messy, but it can be and has been done. After a year, even that isn’t a valid excuse.

@KimFriedmanNYC: Enough already, just dump the asshole and move on! If he comes crawling back and realizes he can’t live without you, then great. You can talk then. It’s time to move on!

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, that’s a good way to look at it. Think about it this way, if you break up with him and he DOESN’T come back to you, realizing what he has lost and ready to be more serious with you, then GOOD RIDDANCE!  You deserve to be with someone who unequivocally wants to be your partner, not someone who is halfway out the door.

@KimFriedmanNYC: And if he does come crawling back, it better be with a diamond ring. A big one.

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