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Ask Mom & Spawn: I Can’t Stop Thinking About My BF’s Secret Tinder Messages

Christen wrote in because she found her boyfriend’s secret Tinder messages a few years ago … and can’t get them out of her head even though he deleted the app. He also doesn’t seem sorry for what he did. What should she do?

“Me and my boyfriend started a relationship October 2017, before he took a year off of school to do community service in a different state. He came home to celebrate Fourth of July with me and friend at my house. The night before, I noticed a message from Tinder pop up and that threw me for a loop. I confronted him a little too harshly, maybe, and made him show me his messages. He claimed it was just to get viewers for his YouTube but in one of the messages he called a girl sexy and kept the conversation going for weeks. We stayed together because he deleted it and promised to never download it again. My problem is that he didn’t see a problem in what he did. Am I wrong to still be thinking about it?” – Christen

@KimFriedmanNYC: Um no. I’m very hip, so I know what Tinder is and…

@KateFriedmanSiegel: You only know what tinder is because you used to catfish men “for me” on all the dating apps.

@KimFriedmanNYC: I’m a cool mom. But Christen, honey… your boyfriend was explicitly flirting with other women on a DATING / HOOKUP app. You shouldn’t still be thinking about it, you should be deleting his precious YouTube account, smashing his phone as you dump his ass, and then chopping off his testicles with a loose shard of iPhone glass.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Definitely should not do any of those things. However, I do agree that what he did is a massive betrayal of your trust. You’re in a committed relationship. Talking to other women on a dating app is emotional cheating. Period. And for the record, as someone who has a little bit of experience with social media engagement, I can tell you that spending six WEEKS talking to one stranger on tinder is not a good strategy for “getting viewers” or growing a following. Like, I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I can assure you that’s not one of them.

@KimFriedmanNYC: Christen, WAKE UP! The guy is living in another state,  flirting with women on tinder, and the only reason you know anything about it is because a message popped up on his phone that you happened to see!  And he didn’t even see the problem with what he did! If he’s comfortable doing that, who knows what he’s capable of doing. Go get an STD test.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Yeah, it’s all a violation of your trust, but the fact that he couldn’t comprehend why you might object to him flirting with other women on Tinder either means he’s an idiot, is playing dumb, or he genuinely has a different understanding of what it means to be in a committed relationship than you do.

@KimFriedmanNYC: OH PLEASE! This guy knows exactly what he’s doing.

@KateFriedmanSiegel: Regardless, in terms of what to do now, that really depends on you. You’re definitely not wrong to still be upset about what he did, but I do think trust in a relationship is pretty fundamental. If you love him and can forgive him and get to a place of genuine trust again, then go for it! That said, if you don’t think you can get there, do you really want to spend your life sneaking glimpses of his phone and peeking into his DMs?

@KimFriedmanNYC: Ugh. If you really want to try to make it work, you can try couple’s counseling, but I still vote for castration.

Want to ask us for advice? Submit YOUR question here! And did you know that @CrazyJewishMom is a licensed real estate agent at The Corcoran Group in New York? Let her help you find your dream home and with all of your real estate needs. Get in touch with her on her new Instagram account or send her an email at Kim.Friedman@corcoran.com!

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